We can all agree that Frozen is an amazing movie to watch with a mug of hot chocolate while cuddled up in a burrito skin comprised of a Harry Potter themed Snuggie and 6 blankets, but nobody wants to actually be in a frozen fjord. Unfortunately, with the recent temperature drops, many of you are either too inexperienced with Canadian winters or too stupid to maintain a survivable body temperature. As a famous writer with the ability to reach literally tens of students, it is my moral obligation to tell you what to do. So pay attention to what I’m about to tell you, as it will probably save your life in the near future when your landlord shuts off your heat in an attempt to save $12/month. Below are the necessary winter clothing items to keep your skin from instantly frostbiting, thereby turning you into a crusty shell of your once ordinary self:
Gloves – Your hands are one of your most susceptible body parts so have you have to keep them warm. You’ll be touching door handles that might as well have been freshly coated in liquid nitrogen. I personally manage to keep my hands warm by tucking them into the warm, insulated armpits of my less prepared friends. They’ve got more than enough heat to share, and using this method also means I never have to touch anything! If touching your frozen hand to someone’s bare skin is a little too sadistic for you, you can use gloves instead I guess. One of the least perfect inventions, gloves will force you to choose between form and function. If you use fingered gloves, you may be more dexterous, but your fingers will suffer the cold bitter reality that comes with being separated from the ones closest to you… by a piece of fabric. Mittens are unparalleled for hand warmth, next to armpits, but you’ll be a bumbling fucking clod constantly asking people to help you do basic tasks. You might as well just cut your hands off at this point as they’ll be of just as much use and probably even feel warmer.
- FUNSTUFF: “What do German’s use gloves for? To keep their Hans warm!”
Head Gear – You have a lot of options for keeping your head warm. No, “pants” are not an option. What’s wrong with you? The most common piece of clothing for this job is a toque. Is that spelled correctly? Tooke? Toooq? Fuck it. Toques provide a full range of coverage on the top and sides of your head, but that’s kind of besides the point, because they also mess up your perfectly styled hair for the whole day. You could be one of those people who wears a beanie all day even though the classrooms are all 25°C and you’re clearly sweating profusely. Also, your face will be left unshielded. You could wear a balaclava but then someone might confuse you for a movie bandit and call the fashion police on you. Earmuffs keep the ears toasty while showing off you glorious windswept coiffure. However, unless you’re a girl, it’s very difficult but NOT impossible to pull off some fuzzy, leopard print cups attached to the side of your head. Your best option here is to use a self-contained, temperature-regulating, humidity-controlled, cranial dome. Now only $299,999.95! Or like, you could just wear a scarf. Scarves are pretty awesome.
- FUNSTUFF: Why did no one like the man whose head was engulfed in a horrific and painful fire? He was a hothead!
Coats – Let’s face it, all of Queen’s can be easily divided into two classes of people: Canada Goosers and People Who Don’t Enjoy Burning Money. Did you know that the absolute cheapest coat you can buy from Canada Goose is $495, and it’s classified by the company as a “hoody.” A fucking hoody?! Do you realize that the much more realistic $650 you spent on a legitimate Canada Goose Jacket would be enough to buy an actual gaggle of geese which could then fly and huddle around you with their fluffy, goose-down stomachs thereby keeping you warm and providing you with 10-24 years of companionship and goose hugs. I’d like to see your overpriced fucking jacket give someone a hug. Having said that, you probably look super hot in it so whatevs. I don’t know if there’s an actual difference between Columbia and The North Face besides the name. They’re pretty good, I guess. I like how the inside looks like aluminum foil. It’ll prevent them from spying on my torso. They’ll never get the knowledge inside my heart.
- FUN STUFF: It’s be 34 days since I’ve seen the light of day or the felt the love of another human being. Please send help!
Nothing – Are you a gullible first year engineering student? Go put some fucking clothes on. You do know that when that bar was conceived, there wasn’t even snow outside? You just spent the coldest week of the year, a.k.a the first full week of the year, freezing your ass off. Having said that, the GPA’s looked great guys, nice job.
- FUNSTUFF: Why don’t frosh like frost? Because the frost bites! But seriously you should probably go to the hospital.
Don’t Go Outside – Always a viable option. I mean we’ve already established that Frozen is an amazing movie, and worst case scenario, you can have Princess Deliveries bring you some hot cocoa. Plus, you and I both know your bed is the hottest place on campus. 😉
- FUNSTUFF: Why is it a terrible to gamble in your bedroom? There’s too many cheetahs! What the fuck?