LISTEN HERE FUCKOS: the American election is less than 3 weeks away and as a Canadian I find this news particularly upsetting. Not for the fringe effects we will no doubt feel up North whether Chillary “Hussein” Clinton or her sexy hate pumpkin rival wins. No, I am panicked because with about 20 days until Brobama needs to start looking for a new place to live there are still people, nay MEN, who tout “Make ______ Great Again” shirts, signs, and captions as though the very conception of the campaign slogan birthed comedy as we know it.
If you STILL think “Make America Great Again” is funny, heck, if you ever thought “Make America Great Again” was funny, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Well good news is that you’re most likely a white guy! Welcome to the high life of institutional privilege and affordable underwear! However bad news is that you’re a white guy. You’re devoid of culture, class, and skin that can resist temperatures above 20 degrees. A white man on Queen’s campus is akin to being hay in a haystack. You’re well represented and fodder for sheeple.
You probably think that wearing a Hawaiian shirt with all the lads is the epitome of humour. You probably know how to play Euchre. You probably think that saying that J. Cole is your favourite rapper (instead of the obvious choice of Drake) makes you harder than a fleece throw. You probably REALLY like bandanas. You’ve probably pet a dolphin. You’ve probably clapped as your plane has landed. You’ve probably ranked your favourite Wes Anderson films to impress girls, even though you’ve only seen The Royal Tenenbaums. You’ve probably have had to ask if they came.
What really gets my motherfucking goat about Canadian Trump Boiz™ is that your inherent blindness to how shitty your humour is actually affects people who are unfortunate enough to have to listen to you. Your Miracle Whip life wouldn’t change drastically if T. Rump got elected, except for having a scapegoat through which to express your liminal bias, hatred, and fear of other people different from yourself. If my English degree taught me anything besides how to read good, it’s how to spell z-e-n-o-p-h-o-b-i-a (26 points in Scrabble).
So the next time you wear your cum-stained khakis to an ugly sweater party where you had OPTIONS of sweaters to choose from, just try to empathize with how much air you suck out of the room with your regurgitated meme jokes. While you fester in the trash of your existence, you should also consider letting #Harambe die (PROVEN: was only just a gorilla) and maybe re-think co-opting “_______ Lives Matter” since the only time you’re afraid of the police is when one politely asks you to cease from pissing off your roof during Homecoming.