I’m Fuckin’ Out

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If you, dear reader, aren’t the dumb fuck most of us here at Golden Words secretly think you are, then you’ve realized something amiss with this latest issue of the most politically correct publication on campus. That’s right, my stunning face isn’t at the top corner of the eds page for you to admire. The paper has been taken over by the new editors, who (though not as attractive, let’s be honest) I am sure will successfully keep up the mediocrity we promise to you, our loyal patrons who can’t shell out and extra measly 25 cents. But whatever, we don’t hold grudges. Resentment is for the weak. I’m sure you need that 25 cents for something important like booze or going towards paying for that therapy you probably need. 

Sam and I, who have been so dedicated to ensuring the highest quality satire gets pumped out to the masses have been shoved aside to make room for younger more ‘hip’ editors. We’ve been made to make way for the new generation like that time your dad forced your mom to put your grandma in a retirement home because she kept yelling racial slurs at the TV. And I don’t even get the added benefit of senior discounts, just as I’m about to lose my student discount. The world is a harsh one, friends. 

I have loved working for Golden Words this year. At the risk of sounding cheesy like the copious amounts of pizza I’ve eaten this year, the people I’ve had the privilege to work with over the year have been amazing. I mean yeah, sometimes they can be painfully offensive, but despite that they are great and I’m going to miss *most* of them. I’m positive that the paper is in great hands, and if they screw up whatever, it’s not like I’m going to be here to watch everything go to shit. 

 

Anyway, thanks for the laughs guys, it’s been a real slice. #punintended #pizzafordays #noonelikeshawaiianpizzaghazal #Imfuckinout

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