I’m Planning an Expedition to the Underside of our Flat Earth and I Need your Help!

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Read carefully, for I don’t have time for anybody who needs to read this twice. All of you “doubters” have been lied to time and again about the Earth being some spherical construct, orbiting the sun as if it’s some mass-heavy, fiery ball in the vacuum of space. This is total horse-shit! You can’t trust anybody who tries to convince you of hoaxes like these.

I’m a warrior of truth, and I fight for you, the people. I’ve dedicated my entire life to exposing truths the government, the media, and all the other liars out there don’t want you to know about. My hardest battle, though, covers the most important truth of all: that the Earth is flat. How can a flat surface orbit the sun? How can gravity be caused by the mass of the planet? There are lies abound, and they need to be stopped ASAP.

I have come to the conclusion that the only way to save our species from ignorance is to prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the Earth is a flat object, just like it shows on all our maps. In order to do this, I will conduct an expedition to reach the underside of Earth.

Expeditions are dangerous, expensive, and make for extremely entertaining film adaptations. As a result, I will need funding. Because greedy corporations like the government cannot be trusted, I turn to you, the people, for my funding. This expedition is definitely happening, and needs your money immediately!

That’s right! I’m counting on all of you to help support me in my expedition to Earth’s underside. This expedition is going to be expensive. I would probably price it at the equivalent cost of two mansions, one summer home, five nice new cars (one lambo, obviously), and a half-year trip around the Southern hemisphere. Relatively speaking, of course. And steak dinners whenever I wanted, too.

We need all of you honest Queen’s students, citizens, good Samaritans, and the rest to donate to our cause. We hope to raise $15,000,000. The mainstream media, the university, EngSoc, the Journal – they all want us silenced. Without your copious amounts of money, we can’t fight the good fight!

We need to mobilize people! These mansions expeditionary supplies aren’t going to purchase themselves! The truth needs to be revealed, and only I can reveal it. I’m counting on all of you to help me expose the lies nobody wants you to see for what they are.

Even if the expedition proves fruitless, I hope that the effort put into proving all the doubters wrong will be worth it for all of you who choose to support my endeavor.

I promise Golden Words won’t use the money to buy a mansion.

– Sam Goldstein

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