After Ontario Progressive Conservatives (OPC) ousted their previous leader Patrick Brown, the party has been in turmoil. However, after last night’s leadership election, the party rejected moderate candidate Christine Elliot to elect a radical outsider, Rob Ford’s husky, ‘Dog Ford’. Dog Ford was a surprise candidate, and with only one term as a Toronto city councilor to his name, few expected him to be able to eke out a win. Political strategists have said that his win could be attributed to his commitments to reform Pet-Ed curriculum and ensuring that Ontario lawns are “open for business”.
Many of the voters for Dog Ford are members of the rabid fanbase called Ford Nation, which sprung up around previous Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. After seeing the success of the cult of personality around Rob, Ford Nation insiders realized that they may be able to successfully continue his legacy in their attempt at the seat of the Premier, by encouraging Rob’s dog to run. While Dog Ford initially resisted attempts to run, they threw a frisbee into the registration office, and were able to use his dirty pawprint as a signature.
In recent days, Dog Ford has hit the campaign trail in an attempt to gain the support of hardworking normal Ontario families. The Campaign Trail, a local dog park in Sarnia, is renowned for its long walking path which is frequented by dog walkers and children alike. Dog Ford decided to bring his message to the people, which means learning about the issues that matter, and also learning how to speak English in time for the debates.
Dog Ford’s lack of English literacy is already a contentious point inside the Conservative Party. His performance in the most recent debate was hindered by his limited vocabulary, but his incessant woofing whenever Cat-leen Wynne spoke did prove to be popular amongst the rural crowd.
Some party insiders are unsure if he can even legally hold the office of the Premier if he’s unable to speak English. While a working knowledge of French and English is typically a prerequisite of the job, the practice is a tradition which is not bound by law. NDP and Liberal political gurus have already begun to attack Dog Ford for this, but polls have found that many voters “just find him cute” and “wanna pet him real bad”, so these attacks have had limited effects on the polls.
With the real prospect of a dog ruling the Ontario legislature, the opposition parties have launched an all-out media frenzy comparing Dog Ford to American President Donald Trump. “He’s a classic neo-Conservative pupulist leader”, said Liberal Foreign Affairs Critic Deb Meowthews. “His policies serve to satisfy the 1% of Ontario residents who are dogs, and further disenfranchise the 99% of those who are not dogs.”
Recent polls have shown that 67% of Ontario voters would choose to elect Dog Ford if the elections were held today, clearing his path to the highest political position in the province. The pollsters stated that voters identify with his “clean up the waste in government” mantra, despite frequently leaving canine fecal matter in the middle of Queen’s Park. It’s only a matter of time before voters make the choice of a lifetime: punish a mediocre Premier who’s only had one term but is somehow the literal devil, or elect a fucking dog?