In Obvious News

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On Sunday, it rained. 
People were disappointed, umbrellas were used, pants were wet. Plants would be happy if they had the capacity to enjoy human emotion, but they don’t, and that’s why the rainforests are being cut down.

People went to work, enjoyed daily lives on Monday.
Most people retained their jobs, enjoyed work as much as they usually do. Local man, Ken Market, was fired from his job as an analyst for Jezebel Marketing because he showed up drunk for work and called his secretary a whore. Local friends of Mr. Market admit it was probably related to his impending divorce, but conceded Ken was kind of a dick to begin with and the workplace was probably better off for it.

Local Kingston Fuckboi fucks, is a boi 
(provided the writer has a firm grasp on phonetics and a loose grasp of english spelling)

Justin Trudeau looking for excuse to show up the events high. 
Justin trudeau in a statement claimed the only reason he is making weed legal is so that he can claim he was smoking legal stuff when he shows up to events high. The events that have been suggested that would be easier to handle while high include funerals, wedding and whenever the conservative party gets to speak. It is yet to be confirmed if ministers will be required to be stone in legislature but it is assumed that the mandatory weed laws will apply to them somehow and hey you need to get through those required 5 joints a week somehow.

You will die. 
Scientists confirm everyone will eventually die, including you, and the world will continue and barely notice. 

Smoking may in fact be bad for you. 
In a surprising turn of events many scientists and doctors say that smoking is in fact bad for your health and may have negative long term effects. They claim that this has been common knowledge for years but hey we are all a little busy it takes a lot of time to smoke the average 2 packs a day. Ohh well guess it is time to quit. How hard could it be? 

New New Years Resolution Diet Discovered.
New fad diet of consuming less calories than being burnt being questioned

This just in, sun is on fire.
At press time, experts predict the celestial object will continue burning for the near future.

Local man believes new Kanye West song FACTS is hot garbage. 
Local Kanye fanboy disagrees but everyone knows he’s wrong.

R. Kelly raps.
Local man remembers that R. Kelly referred to himself in Step in the Name of Love as “The Pied Piper of R&B” and laughs.

Woman Posts on Facebook.
Woman posts political facebook post that does nothing to resolve the fundamental differences of philosophy between liberal and conservative political theories. Gets 13 likes.

Local Loser is a Loser
Local Loser tries vaping for the first time at a Hookah lounge in a sleazier section of Thornhill, Toronto, graduates to Insufferable Local Loser, in a routine reclassification decision by dignitaries from the Loser Ranking Association.

Someone gets fired for racist twitter post that their boss sees. 
Turns out if you call your boss a “****** ***** ****** with a ****** face that looks like a ****** ***** took a **** and ****** it”. They can fire you for posting that and no it is not protected under freedom of speech.

“Photographer” joins Instagram.
Another poor soul joins the time-sucking vacuum that is instagram, utterly unaware of that the rest of their waking hours will be spent in a near hypnotic trance of likes and follows.
 
Drunken Rampage
In a series of events that surprised absolutely no one besides himself Benjy Toeborect,  local hooligan, loving father and Sci’ 17, tried to vault a knee level fence whilst astronomically drunk and smashed his brand new iPhone on the ground as he was trying to make “a fukinnnn badass snap story, bro”. Described by his close friends and family as “a  bit of an dunce” Mr. Toeborect is expected to make repairs to his phone in the near future and says that the incident, in which he could blame no one but himself, was entirely worth it for the insta likes.
 

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