This past weekend, multiple faculty societies competed in a keg race for a charity or whatever. Each faculty society had to complete a certain amount of kegs relative to their size before taking a time machine to take over the defunct bar ‘Revolutions’ before it became The Brooklyn, losing it’s coolness. Each faculty tacked their kegs with a different strategy and had different results. Here’s a list of how the night went down for each faculty society:
ASUS: Before starting the keg, ASUS members talked about how alcoholics would feel if they knew that their culture was being appropriated. Two hours later, after much deliberation, ASUS members decided that participating in the keg race would not be offensive, as it is celebratory of all the achievements alcoholics have given to society. Unfortunately the other societies were done by the time ASUS started, so they lost.
EngSoc: The engineering society came up with a bunch of stupid ways to drink beer more ‘efficiently’. Some of the ideas included a concrete funnel. The concrete funnel idea was given a much larger budget than needed and isn’t any different from any other regular funnel. Other ‘fun’ drinking apparatuses included a beer launching crossbow that resulted in 3 hospitalizations and 5 regrettable hook-ups, a solar powered beer cooling device that doesn’t work very well at night, and an unfunny campus comedy newspaper that encouraged EngSoc members to drink to find it funny.
ComSoc: Commerce society decided to pay local homeless people to come and drink their beer for them as quickly as possible. The commies didn’t foresee the drunken homeless people revolting and taking the commerce society hostage. The no-longer homeless people have successfully taken control of Goodes hall and have renamed it ‘Hot Sandwich Hall’. They plan on completely re-designing the commerce department by lowering tuition and putting an emphasis on global market development.
CompSoc: The computer science society decided to program a beer drinking robot that’s capable of chugging gallons of beer in a few minutes. The robot became self aware and became, like, the biggest douchey frat bro ever. He demanded people play him in beer pong so he could ‘school’ them. The brobot eventually passed out and had penis’s drew on him by the society.
PhekSA (Phe-Kin): Phekin society played actual drinking games, like basketball, football and hockey. Every time you got scored on, you had to chug a pitcher of beer. When everyone got hammered, there was an 1 person pile-up on the court, killing 7.
Nursing Society: They nursed their beers while being very attractive. They didn’t do very well.