My second (and hopefully last) encounter with…
Well, I had another encounter with [what I thought] were non-speaking living things. I don’t mean a tree this time, I mean a couple of trees. This time I was in a different spot. I was up north walking about in the backwoods during this past week. The first snow storm pretty much blew all the leaves off the trees and they went into hibernation. So Maple, Oak, Birch, all the rest were quiet. Except for two. I stumbled across these two trees having an argument and with that inner journalist that is so deep in my heart [that seems to keep stumbling across talking trees] I just had to get involved. Here is the transcript of my encounter:
Pine: Yea, well at least birds and other animals don’t live in me because guess what buddy, my needles are sharper than yours!
Spruce: Yea well, too bad you’re needles took all that sharpness because you’re thinking could do with a little more sharpness to it, you ANTI-SPRUCITE piece of human filth!
Treedman: Woah Woah, fellas, fellas, take it easy.
Pine: Oh great look what you’ve done Sprucey! , your obnoxious yelling has gotten the attention of an ugly ass human. Hopefully he chops you down for Firewood!
Spruce: yea, well hopefully he strips you of all your pines and makes pinesol out of you.
T: now, now I’m not cutting anyone down or stripping anything here, I simply just want to talk.
Pine: yea? What would you like to talk about? How this imbecile keeps poking me with his brute like needles?
Spruce: or how this imbecile keeps throwing his lumpy-ass pinecones at me?
T: Why are you two fighting? I thought all trees were brothers?
Spruce: Obviously not, my class of tree is the master class. I am far more beautiful than this.. This.. brute here.
[The spruce then threw one of his spruce cones at the pine tree, with the the Pine tree retaliating in the same exact way].
T: Fellas, Fellas, look humans love you both equally we see the goodness in both of you. After all, Christmas is around the corner, you’re classes are both considered Christmas trees to us.
[Both of them stopped throwing their cones at each other as soon as I said this].
Pine: You’re joking right?
Spruce: How dare you even say that word in our presence, let alone call us..us.. That disgusting slur. We are certainly not going to be your christmas tree if it’s the last thing we do. Ain’t that right Pine?
Pine: that’s certainly correct Spruce, being a Christmas tree is a fate worse than death.
T: what? How so? I mean, don’t you like being Christmas trees?
Pine: Why? So you humans can cut us down and tie us up in mass sums…
Spruce: throw us all in the backs of your trucks…
Pine: Take us away to your fenced off locations in the middle of your ugly settlements that you call cities and towns…
Spruce: Then you degrade us even further by slapping a price tag on us and sell us like chattle..
T: Wait, but we don’t mean to hurt you. I mean, we are astonished by your beauty which is why we take you home with us, we give you water and nutrients to stay alive. We celebrate you…
Pine+Spruce: Cele..Celebrate us?!
Pine:The human thinks he’s celebrating us, isn’t that cute Spruce? Celebrating us by giving us their precious water and nutrients. Hell some of you are stupid enough to give us ginger ale.. Do you honestly think we LIKE ginger ale?
Spruce: Hell, it’s not like we get water and nutrients from THE GROUND. It’s not like we’re surviving without ginger ale already!
Pine: what the hell is even Ginger ale? Sugar and water, yea we need the very thing that kills you humans with mass obesity each year…Manufactured sugar.
T: look, I think we got off on the wrong stump here guys, what about the decorations, and how we even put presents under you.
Pine: You people are all the same aren’t you? You think you can just decorate us with your weird human made ornaments. How would you like it if I threw a bunch of balls on you and wrapped you up all nice and dandy like some kind of fancyboy. [to Spruce]: sorry spruce I know you’re son is gay.
Spruce: No worries pine, you got a point there though, how do you think this puny human..this PUMAN would like it if we wrapped him all over in lightbulbs and put a star on his head.
Pine: THOSE DAMN LIGHTS GET HOT YOU SADISTIC TREE TORTURING PUMAN!
T: Woah, guys I’m so sorry I didn’t see it your way at all, I’m sorry.
Pine+Spruce: NO IT’S TOO LATE FOR SORRIES!
Spruce: YEA! BROTHERS IN BRANCHES! TAKE YOUR NEEDLES, TAKE YOUR PINECONES AND ATTACK THE PUMANS EVERY CHANCE YOU GET!
PINE: SHAKE YOUR BRANCHES SO SNOW WILL FALL ON THEM AND MAKE THEM VERY VERY COLD!!! ATTACK!!!
Just then the skies of the backwoods I just happened to be wandering through that day was flooding everywhere I looked. Falling snow, falling pine cones and spruce needles were everywhere. I ran as fast as I could out of there. So next time you walk under a pine or a spruce tree and get hit with pine or spruce needles or cones…be careful..because they’re pissed that we have turned them into Christmas trees. Damn trees…