Is it Pit Flu or is my Herpes Flaring Up

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Is it Pit Flu or is my Herpes Flaring Up?

The grease pole has been climbed yet again. Tbh it’s not that exciting since it literally gets climbed every year, but like congrats frosh I guess.

Now we’ve all moved onto more pressing issues like, what are these strange symptoms plaguing me? All my friends keep bitching about ‘pit flu’. “Bro, I have a cough I think this might kill me”, “I can’t stop coughing in class and some guy threatened to shoot me if I didn’t stop, ugh” and I say, “Yeah these genital warts are super itchy I can’t sit still in class”. That’s when the conversation slows down and about the point where I realize these whiners don’t want to be my friends.

I went on WebMD, obviously to diagnose me since I don’t believe in doctors or hospitals. I’m a pretty self-aware person so I’m starting to realize I might be in the first stage of grief: denial. Since I can easily find an excuse for all my symptoms. Like the pit. Blame everything on the pit.

It makes sense that I have a fever and flu-like symptoms. Every fucking person in my lectures also have that. The nausea is probably from staring at my prof’s heads when they lean over the projector lecture capture thing. Have they ever heard of dandruff shampoo? Conditioner? Hair plugs?

The muscle aches are definitely from all the walking I’m doing. Why is there no subway here? Also, I’m too embarrassed to take an uber on campus because I don’t want to look too much like a commie cabbing to Goodes. Some of the muscle aches may also be from me going to the gym to get a revenge bod. I don’t actually have any revenging to do I just feel like revenge bod sounds better than “I want to live a long healthy life” bod. Lame.

The one symptom I can’t really explain is the burning sensation when I pee. I like using the words ‘burning sensation’ because wow is it ever sensational. Since I’m not a disgusting piece of shit I’ve never had a UTI, so I can’t tell if this is what that is. I’d rather it be herpes though. Herpes just gets more of the sympathy and I am a fiend for attention.

Don’t worry though, loyal readers, I know you’ve been gripping your bean bag chairs in suspense wondering how I will solve my woes. Luckily, I have come up with a homemade test. Step 1: Spread it and see if it catches on. Easy peasy. If I start a Kingston wide Herpes epidemic, I may consider going to a ‘doctor’. If that doesn’t happen and this fades in 4-6 weeks, I will conclude it was pit flu.

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