Terrorism. The media would have you believe that the terrorists are literally everywhere, and it’s true. They could be behind you right now as you read this… Still here? Well maybe they weren’t actually behind you in the first place who knows, I certainly don’t. But as of 7:23 am Monday morning there is one thing that I do know! ISIS is behind course evaluations!
Spokesman for ISIS Mr. Is, announced earlier this week that they are behind those course evaluation forms: “Of course we are behind those pieces of shit! What self-respecting human being could possibly be that evil without being an extremist group? I mean come on, this one was really a no brainer.”
For those of you that don’t already harbour a hidden hatred in your heart of those dreaded USATs, prepare yourself, because you have a shitshow coming your way once per professor. USATs, the dreaded reverse exam where you are forced to grade your professor on everything from their eating habits, to their fashion tastes.
“Fashion tastes are just the tip of the proverbial iceberg,” Mr. Is stated. “Does your professor acknowledge the pantheon of Norse Gods? Is your professor sensitive to the needs of Thor? Can your professor explain the geography of Niflheim? Honestly we just watched the second Thor movie and we loved it. Don’t worry it gets better.”
While we were left wondering both why ISIS liked the movie so much, and why they went through the trouble to torrent a copy of it, we received an anonymous tip from another Mr. Is (the second one, no relation): cannibalism.
While this one word tip may leave first years in a panic over the state of the global war on terrorism, the rest of us know what that means… Will we see questions asking: “Is your professor a vegetarian? Is your professor a self-respecting meat eater like the rest of us? Does your professor have an overbite? Does your professor eat its students? Is your professor covered in fur? Is your professor some kind of furry that eats people?”
If you are a first year, you’re probably thinking what the actual dick are they talking about? But for those of us who are veterans of years and years of traumatizing USATs, we are fully prepared for the worst.
Before departing to what we believe is some kind of pre-screening of the third Thor movie available to ISIS members worldwide, Mr. Is (the first one not the second one) had this to say: “For all of you first years that have yet to have your hopes and dreams crushed; for all of you upper years that have suffered through this time and time again; for the professors whose dignity and questionable fashion sense will be revealed to them; prepare yourselves. Because with our new line of USATs, 2016-2017 will bring you flowers on your first date and leave in the dead of night after sex but before cuddling starts; leaving you to wonder what could have been, but never will be.”
As we wipe the tears from our emotionally vulnerable faces, we cannot help but to say to all of you out there: we will stand with you in this cruel fight against USATs.