Issues We Won’t Touch With A Ten Foot Pole


We here at Golden Words have something of an ideological struggle as we write the paper, because as much as we’d like to illuminate social injustices through clever yet barbed Swiftesque satire, there are a couple barriers to that happening. None of us are literary geniuses, we write the paper in an afternoon, and our only motivational tool is pizza. So as a result we take the cowards route out and just avoid certain subjects like the plague
The Sociopolitical Struggles of the Middle East We’d much rather discuss the sociopolitical turmoil rife within Middle Earth. Orcs are people too.
Children Golden Words is never going to touch children. At least not with our ten foot pole.
Your Temporary Facebook Profile It’s not the type of humour we think will last.
Iran Nuclear Deal Even if we knew what it was, we feel like it’s too much of a hot button issue
Paris Eiffel like there is no humour in this topic
Ann Coulter We honestly forgot she was a thing, but thanks to Twitter we can say “Fuck You”
Systematic Racism It’s far from a black and white issue
The Validity of the Quantum Tunnel Effect Shit man, the rest of us have to get up for work in the morning shit is way to meta.
The Female Orgasm Its existence yet to be discovered by the Golden Words staff
Shia Labeouf That man has evolved above both parody and criticism
The Ukraine Week 48 and Golden Words has yet to take a stance… See our Enemies Listed™ 
Atheists We don’t believe there is any comedy here
Adding “Gate” to Any Noun to Indicate Controversy It’s all just watergate under the bridge at this point
The Mechanics of Submarine Diving That’s a low we’re not willing to sink to
Frank Ocean’s New Album I mean we would talk about, if he’d just commit and RELEASE IT ALREADY
The Loss of Our Ten Foot Pole Speaking of RELEASE IT ALREADY We miss you and are sending our thoughts and prayers. A thousand curses on the BFC
Moral Relativism It’s something we think could be a good source of humour, but it could also be said as a bad source so we avoid it altogether
Your Crippling Porn Addiction Not to jerk your chain, (your chain being genitalia) but we think humour on this topic is kind of beating a dead horse at this point
Beating a Dead Horse I mean honestly haven’t we been over this – though we do encourage choking your chicken 😉
Euthanasia We don’t discriminate against Chinese children
The Fact that We’re All Made of the Same Atoms as Dinosaurs Were Woah that’s fucked – Thanks Tumblr!
The Phrase “Communism Would Have Worked in Theory” Thank you to the most unoriginal and terrible person in this first year lecture
People Who Chew with Their Mouths Open Gross
Immigration Law We’d much rather discuss the far more intriguing Tax Law because of the fascinating intersection it holds between politics, the philosophy of government, and personal finances
The Donald Trump Episode of SNL There are probably better A.V. Club think-pieces you could read instead of this
Gluten-Free Brownies Thanks to Smurf for her in-depth reporting last week, those bastards weren’t here for Press Nite
Two and a Half Black Men & Donald Trump’s Toupee