There’s been a lot of controversy on campus regarding certain student groups participating in activities that fall under the very broad definition that school officials have laid out to determine what does and doesn’t constitute hazing. It goes without saying that this dangerous new trend of 18-22 year olds taking part in risky and undignified activity needs to stop and we as a school need to create a culture that harks back to a time when young people never drank, had good judgement, and didn’t take part in unsavory activities, whenever the fuck that was. That’s why we here at Golden Words can say proudly that we have gotten rid of hazing and replaced our antiquated tradition of brutally paddling rookie writers with the modern civilised activity of forcing all of our new staff to participate in organised criminal activity in order to fund the paper and buy us beer.
Until last year there was no reason for the Golden Words to make any sort of foray into the dark underworld of organised crime. However, not receiving the extra funding we requested (fuck you guys by the way), the lack of a dominant mafia family in Kingston, and the recent hazing incidents on campus have left us both in dire financial straits and in search of a new way to initiate the newest of our writers.
Being the industrious and endlessly creative people we are we have decided that in lieu of mercilessly physically assaulting neophyte members, we will instead give them a list of businesses that they have to extort money from as well as other criminal activities they must complete in order to become full members of our paper. Each rookie will be given a quota of of $1500 in either protection money, stolen goods, or cash taken from banks, store, and fellow students. In addition the rookie who illegally obtains the least money will be killed in a manner similar to Sonny Corleone in “The Godfather” in order to send a message to all other members of our newly formed crime family that we are not to be fucked with.
We here at the Golden Words are progressive and innovative. We highly recommend that all Queen’s clubs henceforth and forevermore replace hazing with forced participation in an organised crime syndicate, because after all – it’s not hazing if it’s way fucking worse.