It’s Time to Take Back Our Penises


There are certain words and slurs in the English language that we don’t use address other people. The N-word, the R-word, the F-word, the π- word: all of these words have a racist, homophobic, hateful history that are inherently derogatory. Despite the steps that society have taken to curb the bigotry that’s accumulated with time, it is somehow societally acceptable to call someone a “dick”.

Someone recently told me that I should, and I quote, “take your dick out for Harambe.” My blood ran cold and clutched my junk to turn it away from the person. How dare someone tell me that my penis needs to be made vulnerable as a sacrifice for a dead gorilla. How dare they. Would they tell their fathers to take their dicks out? Their brothers? Their friends or peers? It is an utter disrespect to men and their worth in society as objects. My manly curves and my wonderful junk are beautiful but they are attached to me as a person. I am a person with feelings and a penis.

And as a man with a beautiful, shapely male reproductive organ that I am proud to call my own, I continue to be appalled by how it is the status quo allows for someone to be called a penis in a derogatory context. It is unimaginably offensive to think that people are passive to the objectification of the male member. In fact, it should be our male member. Penis should be a joyful term that is collectively enjoyed and owned by society.

A double standard exists where only vaginas are considered sacred and astonishingly stunning. What? Because they can make “babies”? Because they smell of a gorgeous oak mahogany blend? In this analogy, the vagina is Alec Baldwin – the clearly superior Baldwin brother – and the penis is Stephen Baldwin. Do you know how hurtful it is to have your penis be known as a Stephen Baldwin type?

My heart aches as I write out my most intimate of emotions. Detestable. Hateful. Loathsome. Despicable. Abominable. Execrable. Repellent. Repugnant. Repulsive. Revolting. Disgusting. Distasteful. Horrible. Horrid. Horrifying. Awful. Heinous. Reprehensible. Obnoxious. Odious. Nauseating. Offensive. Contemptible. These are all words that came from a thesaurus and sum up exactly how I feel when I look down at my crotch and society tells me that my penis is Stephen Baldwin.

The male genitalia is a beautiful pillar of strength and poised masculinity. Phallic imagery decorates history and architecture, with gorgeous structures such as the Washington Monument and the Stonehenge in England. Yep, the Stonehenge is most definitely phallic. It’s a myriad of penises balancing on one another and it is an artistic expression of brotherly friendship. And it’s beautiful.

Together, everyone, we need to take our penises back. We need to use the pork swords to cut down the grass of social injustice and take back our word. Our penises are beautiful and need to be celebrated for each penis is unique and has something to offer. Tall penises, short penises, skinny penises, curvy penises, penises are come in all sorts of shapes. Each some exciting than the next penis. Stop calling the villains in your life a dick. They are not a stunning schlong or a majestic phallus. No. Call them stupid, or worthless, or a speck of dirt that trolls the earth. Be penis-positive.