Jesus Caught Turning Grass Into Marijuana

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The heavenly community is in full damage control mode amidst claims that Jesus distributed 300 kilos of marijuana at Osheaga last July. The Son of God was overheard arguing with the heavens saying, “I thought this would be cool after the whole wine thing. What else were these guys supposed to do when they ran out of weed? Actually listen to Pearl Jam sober?” 
Unfortunately the creator of all things was not available for comment. However those close to God have reported that he is very concerned that Jesus will follow in the footsteps of his brother Paul. Paul Christ was found overdosed in his Los Angeles apartment after turning a three-ton brick wall into a three-ton brick of cocaine.
Golden Words spoke with Lauren Biggs, an expert with the Canadian Centre of Substance Abuse, who commented on the developments. “Often times when God manifests himself in a man, he is left feeling alienated among beings that are not all-knowing, all-powerful, or all-seeing. These feelings of not belonging can lead to experimentation with drugs and alcohol. Jesus was 18 when he turned water into wine, and for most deities that is a normal age to begin experimenting. However manufacturing narcotics, being seen at The Spot with prostitutes and even female commerce students is cause for concern.
Update: Jesus was arrested for drag racing Justin Bieber in a Ferrari radiating a scent of cannabis. Bail was posted at 300 loaves of bread and 1000 fishes.

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