Wassup Queen’s! Now that the year is coming to a close…sorry…
Excuse me for a second
Sorry about that. I just had to get all the racial slurs out of my system by screaming them into a pillow. But I should be good to go now! Back to what I was saying: now that this year is coming to a close many of you are thinking about exams, essays, final projects, etc. But during this stressful time of year, it can be hard to find time for the finer points in life, like shooting cheap beer straight up your ass. Yes that’s right: its recruiting season for HMΘ the only non-Jewish and non-ratified frat on* Queen’s campus.
*for legal reasons, we have to be NOP.
There are many benefits to joining our awesome frat. Reason nombre 1: we are awesome, in the old literary sense – we literally inspire awe, and everyone wants some. Some say “aww, dayum! Those drunk white guys can totally dunk!”, while others say “awww shit, that cricket bat to the balls rendered that pledge forever impotent!”, but most will ignore that and say “aww they have a puppy pen! So cute! Please sleep with us!”
Reason number two: ABSOLUTELY NO GIRLS. I cannot stress the fact that there are no females on our premises. Its just like when you tried to start a club as a kid and stupid girls were always trying to get in – except this time they don’t even try because they know our deal.
Reason number three: why do you need another reason, pussy? By joining HMΘ you will have the EXCLUSIVE chance to partake in dope ACTIVITIES like: binge-drinking, making misogynist jokes, water-gun fights, groupthink (may or may not be accompanied by chants of questionable racism), more drinking, cocaine, thinking shorts and tuxedos makes a good outfit, tickle fights, and even more drinking! And only for the low monthly dues of $57 and 5 minutes with Jimmy in the ‘bro-bath’.
As well, you will become a member of a sacred brotherhood with a long history of honour and tradition. Kind of like the catholic preisthood, but with less pedophelia. And just like in the seminary, we will haze the shit out of you. You know, to make you feel welcome and stuff. And what could make you feel more welcome than being locked in a basement forced to drink a 2-4 in a night while tied to a chair. If you succeed, you become a member for life. If you fail, you still win because you get to be a part of the longest lasting fraternity ever: death.
Now unfortunately Queen’s has banned fraternities and we are not allowed to be officially affiliated with the University. So, therefore, all members of HMΘ will receive honorary degrees from U of T. You will also be required to work as a TA there for the next 12 months, and promise not to go on strike. Other than that, nothin but good times! Cha Gheil! Velut Arbo Aevo!
Still not interested? OK fine, I get it. You’re probably thinking that a bunch of young, fit dudes running around a house spraying each other with shaving cream might just be a little gay. I can see why. But you couldn’t be further from the truth, bro. We’re just a bunch of guys having a good time and shooting the shit under one roof. Nothing gay about that. And plus fraternities trace their history all the way back to Ancient Greece, a strictly ‘no homo’ society. I mean, have you seen visionary director Zack Snyder’s 300? Those shirtless dudes were badass – they fought a god-king and then went home to bang their suspiciously-Anglo-Saxon wives. They are examples of fitness that inspire us in our daily lives. Join our frat and you too can be as greasy and buff as King Leonidas.
So you’ll sign up? Or at least be on our mailing list? Fantastic, bud. Now if you just make your way through through our paddling line, we’ll send you on your way.
Next in line please!