Journal Denies Animal Abuse Allegations


The Journal has recently denied allegations brought forward by Golden Words that their paper is written by a team of highly trained lemurs who are housed in substandard living conditions. A special investigation conducted entirely from the Clark Hall lounge produced conjecture that the lemurs were probably stolen as children from their native homeland of Madagascar by a maniac Journal editor.

Golden Words interviewed a Journal representative who refused to admit that they operate a lemur prison, and also denied that they punish lemurs who write articles containing factual information.

While Golden Words was unsuccessful at proving the lemur allegations, a pointed line of questioning prompted the journal representative to admit that ‘hosting cockfights in a basement for the purpose of gambling is illegal and unethical.’

When the representative realized his organization was being accused of operating an illegal cockfighting ring from the Journal house, he attempted to angrily leave the interview but walked into the closet accidentally. Unwilling to admit his mistake, the journalist remained in the closet for the rest of the day and was not able to exit the building until several hours later, when the last remaining person in the Clark Hall lounge – a homeless Golden Words writer –  fell asleep on the couch.

A Golden Words editor said, “The Journal may have denied our lemur abuse accusations, but we have other some pretty serious rumours to bring forward. They still haven’t not proved that they don’t operate a puppy mill, a grow-op, or a sweatshop producing Nike shoes from the basement of the Journal ‘horror’ house.”

This is not the first time that Golden Words has brought to light terrible accusations of wrongdoing on Queen’s campus. Just last year Principal Woolf fought allegations that he has ties to the Rizzuto crime family, and a connection to mob related murder in 1964.

Dean Kimberly Woodhouse was also unrepentant when presented with evidence of her involvement in a Tanzanian ivory poaching ring. “Get out of my face, that picture looks as though you tried to doctor it in Microsoft Paint – You’re not fooling anyone!” Dean Woodhouse exclaimed when handed a picture depicting her standing atop a mountain of murdered African elephants.

The wooden sculpture in the atrium of the ILC could not be reached at the time of printing for comments regarding sextape allegations.