During a campaign stop in Toronto, Ontario, Justin Trudeau, leader of the federal Liberal Party revealed a game-changing campaign promise. As he swooshed his perfect, lustrous hair, with no evidence of a receding hairline, Trudeau announced to a crowd of stoners his party’s plan to legalize and tax floorcest.
“I want to do what they’re doing in Colorado,” Trudeau said, inhaling a joint. “To legalize and tax floorcest would bring billions and billions of dollars of revenue to the government. I’m just guessing the numbers, but I’m pretty sure it sounds right.”
Trudeau continued, “Heck, I met my wife on my residence floor. I want to live in a Canada where we can fuck our fellow floor-mates while hitting the dankest of bowls.”
When asked how taxing floorcest would be logistically executed, Trudeau threw up his hands in the air and answered “I don’t know. I figured it would the whole taxing thing would figure itself out. That’s not a proper answer? Fine. Pay-by-fuck, that’s how it’ll work. And the wealthy will have to pay more for floorcest because, you know, screw the rich” Trudeau then threw his joint into the crowd and yelled, “Mark my words, floorcest will compliment marijuana as the cornerstone of this nation’s economy!”
Other leaders have yet to go into detail with how, if elected, they would handle the issue of floorcest. Current Prime Minister Stephen Harper and the Conservative Party have been staunchly oppositional to floorcest. Political analysts attributes the party’s positioning is due to the fact Stephen Harper didn’t get any twang in university. Though Harper insists he was the resident pussy slayer at the University of Calgary, there is speculation he’s still bitter about not getting it in.
Thomas Mulcair, leader of the NDP whose hair is not as swooping as Trudeau’s, has yet to promise the whole legalization of floorcest. Mulcair, at an event in August with his wife (of whom he had dated through university) standing behind him, said he only had intentions of decriminalizing floorcest. “I’ll work with the provinces and stuff, I’m pretty sure it’s what Jack Layton would have wanted.” Silencing speculation, Mulcair insists his position on floorcest is by no means affected by the fact his wife still feels intimidated by the pretty girls that were on his residence floor when he was in university.
When asked about how her party would handle the issue of floorcest, Green Party leader Elizabeth May screamed that she has been a lifelong supporter of fucking floormates. “Legalizing floorcest is possibly the most environmentally friendly thing the government can do. The carbon emissions released from the millions of walks of shame annually is killing our planet. We must fuck locally.” May has been known to be an avid participator in floorcest activities since the 1970s.