Justin Trudeau visited last night by Father’s vengeful ghost
At approximately 2 am this morning, federal Liberal party leader Justin Trudeau was jolted awake from his peaceful slumber at his Ottawa home by the ghost of his father, the late Pierre Trudeau.
“Justin…Justin” the former prime minister, dead since 2000, called out to his son. “P…Papa? is that you?” replied Justin, eyes barely peeking out from behind the covers pulled to his face. Sources say that that the elder Trudeau, dressed in white tattered robes and floating near the ceiling of his son’s bedroom, spoke in the calm, stern way familiar to many Canadians.
“Yes, it is I” Trudeau announced, “I’ve been watching you from afar, ensuring that you’ve secured the rightful family place as leader of the Liberal Party.” His son, still cowering in fear and shock,slowly sat up in bed to face his father. “Why have you come here?” he meekly inquired.
The angry former PM then declared, hovering over his son, “Listen to me boy! I was Prime Minister of this country for sixteen goddamn years! Have you seen the afterlife? Because I have! I can travel between galaxies, across all of time and space in a second – not that I even feel time anymore. I can observe it as a physical goddamn dimension! My soul will live on forever. So you listen hard and you listen good Justin! When you’re a ghost observing the cycle of time over and over into infinity, the speck of dust that is the next four years in Canada is insignificant. However, for you mortals still alive, it’s probably still kind of important. So I am begging you Justin – you must seize power in 2015! It is your destiny to avenge me! Do whatever it takes boy! I have seen it happen every time cycle and you must know that this WILL happen whether you like it or not. Win the election. Or, if you don’t, stage a coup d’etat. Invoke the War Measures Act – that’s always a good one. And once you are in power you must celebrate my spirit. Erect a gold statue of me in the middle of the House of Commons. Every Wednesday after a full moon you must bring a sacrificial resource from every province to its feet: Newfoundland Cod, Saskatchewan Wheat, Alberta Crude, BC Bud; as well as a young goat for slaughter. Or a PMO intern, whichever is more convenient. You must perform these duties to satisfy my spirit! Because though I am your father and a ghost, I am also a vengeful one. I can wipe your pathetic, bilingual nation off the face off the Earth with the wave of my hand. That’s what a state funeral gets you Justin – I HAVE BECOME A GOD! So perform your duties well, my son. And just be glad you were visited by one of the nicer ex-PMs. You should see what awaits Ben Mulroney when his time comes. Au revoir Justin.”
And with that he disappeared back into the thin air from whence he came, witnesses report. The younger Trudeau then reportedly sat up in bed, took a sip of water and said “Oui, Papa. It shall be done.”