Kathleen Wynne Announces Plan to Legalize Molly Following Doug Ford’s New ‘Buck-a-Beer’ Campaign

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May 29th, 2018 - Kathleen Wynne displays intended use of the recreational drug through provocative dancing on stage

In a brazen effort to reclaim some loyalty in the polls, the Ontario Liberal Government has promised to legalize the use of the recreational party drug, Molly. This motion was revealed following Doug Ford’s “Buck a Beer” campaign, with the intent to strengthen their influence amongst youth voters. Kathleen Wynne, leader of the Liberal party, spoke at the press conference to elaborate on the subject: “The youth of today’s age are this province’s future. In a time of constant change, we must learn to adapt and harvest the aspirations of the future generations. As a result, the Ontario Liberal Government has decided to provide all legal citizens 19 or older the opportunity to rage face on the dancefloor at their local nightclub. In turn, they are also now legally permitted to begin perspiring following the popping of a Molly.”

Following suite, the Ontario NDP government also issued a statement indicating their intentions to legalize the illicit drug, Crack. In an attempt to dismantle the “Buck a Beer” platform, Andrea Horwath declared that Crack would be administered free of charge to Ontarians of all ages.

Rather than jumping on the bandwagon, the Green Party leader, Mike Schreiner, was bewildered to hear that these drugs were even illegal to begin with.

After hearing the opposing parties’ propositions, Doug Ford developed a new plan to even the score. “As a part of the new Ontario Conservative administration, with each purchase of an alcoholic beverage you shall receive a free funnel. This principle is aimed to increase consumption rate resulting in a decreased provincial debt.”

Whether you like Molly, Crack or alcoholism, don’t forget to get out there and vote on June 7 to pick the addiction that’s right for you.

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