At 9:44 pm on November 5 2016, the Kingston police received a distress signal coming from the Golden Words office in Clark Hall. Two people were found upon entering, the dead body of writer Cain Ronson and 14 year-old Tiny Mansworth, clutching a bloody knife. Tiny Mansworth didn’t go down without a fight but thankfully his small waifish frame made it easy for Officer JJ Barnacle to apprehend him. After being read his Miranda (Cosgrove) rights he yelled, ‘I was just in here to do my science homework, I swear! What do I know about making a portable non-potable anthrax bomb?’. Officer Barnacle responded, “Hey baby, that can be used against you in court, oh yeah! JJ’s my name and Barnacle’s my game”. Officer Barnacle then reached into his pocket, grabbed a wet barnacle and started waving it around like he was trying to hypnotize everyone. It didn’t work. And everyone just smelt like fish. Regardless, Tiny Mansworth was brought to the Kingston Police Station and is awaiting his trial. Tiny Mansworth also admitted to the murder of Rick Dercer and 2 other Golden Words reporters.
After the arrest, JJ Barnacle took it upon himself to investigate deeper into whether this is an isolated case of a 14 year-old KCVI student going over the threshold of sanity, or if it’s part of something bigger. Officer Barnacle realized that the next step was to go undercover, to a meeting of KCVISSA, Kingston Collegiate and Vocational Institute Students’ Student Association, the on-campus club that Tiny Mansworth was the head of. Six feet and five inches tall, weighing in at 248 lbs, JJ knew his undercover outfit would have to be perfect. He strapped on a t-shirt with the words ‘2 cool 4 school’, put on a pair of mesh gym shorts and slipped into his Nintendo themed Vans and was certain no one would be any the wiser. He was right. On November 8th, with a tape recorder strapped to his legendarily hairy chest, he waltzed into Wallace hall and took note of all the events of the meeting. He recounted, “Oh lord oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph these kids are crazy, these kids are CRAZY! I gotta tell the chief! Out of my way!” On his way out of the JDUC officer Barnacle left a wake of secreted mucus on the floor that smelled of seawater.
Two days later, the formal report was released. These high school students didn’t just want the blood of those who wronged them, they wanted the blood of the university. According to Barnacle’s tape, a 16 year-old student named ‘Thin Vinny’ took Tiny Mansworth’s place as leader and gave the following speech at the meeting. He angrily shouted, “Who are we? We are the real residents of Kingston. We are the chosen people who deserve to walk on Union and University. We are the rightful owners of this area! Not these posh university students who look at us like we’re strangers in a strange land! I WAS BORN HERE, in Kingston General and you were born in Mount Sinai Hospital in Toronto. But soon this will all change! Father Mansworth may be shackled by the chains of injustice but that will not hold us back! After The Great Moment takes place next week, the whole campus will bow to us as the true leaders of this land! All praise The Great Moment!!!!”
The police raided Thin Vinny’s house and found a plethora of lethal paraphernalia such as pipe bombs, nineteen AK-47’s, twelve copies of the anarchist cookbook and two heavily used fleshlights named ‘Turner’ and ‘Brock’. They also found a binder entitled ‘The Great Moment’ which thoroughly detailed how the high school students were going to wipe off the entire Queen’s population on November 16 using anthrax bombs placed all over campus, but thankfully the police thwarted the plot.
Thin Vinny and Tiny Mansworth will see trial on December 26, 2016 and unfortunately will be tried in juvenile court, where the worst punishment is not being able to play XBox for a week. I mean Tiny Mansworth alone killed like, 4 people and he’ll be able to walk free. And he doesn’t even have an XBox, he has a Wii U!
I would like to take this time to thank the Kingston Police for their service and saving so many innocent Queen’s students’ lives in what could have been the most horrific home-grown terrorist strike in Canadian history. Officer JJ barnacle put his life on the line and came out on top. The police chief gave him some well earned vacation time and he is currently in by the ocean.
This article is dedicated to Rick Mercer, the 2 two Golden Words reporters and most importantly Cain Ronson, who unnecessarily and prematurely lost their lives. Rest in Peace.