KCVI Students Want More Rights Around Campus

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It was a particularly deciduous autumn day when Rick Dercer, a third year farts and silence student, came to the standard realization that the pubescent peasants perusing Queen’s campus are in fact high school students. We met up with Rick after his SBD 344 lecture to have a little chat. He told us: “Yeah man, I had no idea there was a high school on campus! I just thought frosh were getting younger every year. I mean sure I looked young back in the day but not that young! I feel like such a dingbat cause when I told my friends, they said they’ve known since first year. I’m such a dingbat!” At this point in the interview Rick took his microphone off and told us he had to go home and do some paperwork.

This isn’t the first incident where KCVI students were misrepresented around campus. Just last year, 15 year-old Timmy Howard was let into the Underground by accident but left immediately because “the music was too loud”. The worst case was back in 2007 when 14 year-old Yulanda Bronson, mistaken for a university student, was allowed access to a study room and stayed there until 1:00 am, which was WAY past her bedtime.

Traumatizing events like these are what provoked the creation of KCVISSA, Kingston Collegiate and Vocational Institute Students’ Student Association. This ragtag group of revolutionaries meet once a week in Wallace Hall from 6:30pm – 8:00 pm sharp, when they then get picked up by their parents. The group meets to discuss how they can get more rights around campus and how to stop people from sending snapchats of them with the caption, “Frosh keep getting younger every year smh”. Tiny Mansworth, a 14 year-old student wearing DC shoes and cargo shorts in November told us, “Look we don’t like walking around campus any more than you do, it’s intimidating. But it’s not our fault our high school is here! We get treated like lower class citizens and for what? I actually live in Kingston, where are you from?” The reporter responded with ”Toronto”… Tiny continued, “That’s what I thought. You’re scum. You’re all scum. One day the hierarchy is gonna flip and we will be in charge. Sic Semper Tyrannis!” Mr. Mansworth then brandished a knife and the interview broke down.

We encouraged Rick Dercer to attend one of KCVISSA’s gatherings so that he could understand more about their culture. He explained, “Yeah man they just sat around looking over bomb schematics and terrorist-scare tactics, it’s pretty fucked up. I think they’re trying to take over the campus. Oh no, I’ve said too much man! They’re onto me!”. We tried to contact Mr. Dercer again but he could not be reached. In fact all the reporters working on this story couldn’t be reached. Oh, someone’s knocking on my office door, it’s so late I wonder who it could possibly be? Hello, oh please no, please no I have a family! NOOOOooo!

Yo this is Tiny Mansworth, leader of the New Free World of KCVI students! Consider this your first warning from me, Tiny Mansworth. I’d quit while you’re ahead Queen’s, unless you want to end up in the bottom of Lake Ontario like your buddy here…

We will do a follow-up story on this next week!

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