Kingston Cops Pleased With Peaceful Frosh

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Kingston police forces were reportedly pleased by the peaceful activity they observed during Queen’s Frosh Week throughout campus and the University District. Brandon Castles, spokesperson for the Kingston Police Department, credited the results to Queen’s strongly enforced dry frosh policy, a demonstrated upswing in civic responsibility, and the sight of dozens of police officers patrolling the district all hours of the night.
“We’re very impressed with how maturely students handled themselves once we introduced the implicit threat of violence,” said Castles. “It’s great that students have a respect for each other, their community, and above all, fear for their own physical safety.”
The introduction of CCTV cameras in the District last year is another gentle reinforcement of the importance of law and civility, and while many think that initiative is more than enough, police are confident that a constant circling of a six-block radius in order to strike fear into the hearts of eighteen-year-olds is the most efficient use of city resources.
Evelyn Cordell, a graduate student studying laws, agrees. “It’s one thing to create awareness through seminars and group discussion, or establish campus and community initiatives to ensure everyone’s safety. But if you really want to keep those kids in line, nothing tops a localized police state.”
In a move Castles cheerfully described as “Orwellian”, police used their authority to maintain order by keeping people from standing on sidewalks, pouring confiscated liquor into the street, and shouting in the faces of children.
“We just couldn’t be happier with how things went,” said Castles. “Any sign of misbehaviour or attitude totally vanished as soon as we threatened to haul them down to the station and call their parents. It’s great to see kids growing up and still holding on to their values: honesty, integrity, and a deeply-ingrained fear of state brutality.
“Just like the good old days.”

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