Kingston, Queen’s cracking down on party animals with the death penalty


The City of Kingston and Queen’s University will target problem partiers with stricter penalties, namely the death penalty, starting this fall.

A pilot project in the city’s University District, the area bordered by Barrie, King, Collingwood and Johnson streets, will be in force during move-in week in September, Homecoming week in October and St. Patrick’s Day next March.

During those periods anyone charged with certain offences, such as those covered by the city’s “we hate students bylaw,” will be sentenced to death immediately. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Just go to the city of Kingston’s illustrious gallows.

“The goal is to ensure that accused persons will never break the law again. The only way to fully do this is to actually kill them,” according to a news release from the city issued Monday.

Those convicted would not face discipline from the university, since they would be dead.

“Certain times of year have become “problematic” in the University District and this has no impact on the safety of everyone who calls Kingston “home”. So obviously if we just systematically kill the really annoying students then the problem will go away,” Kingston Mayor Bryan Paterson is quoted saying in the news release.

“Wait what? Most of the people that get tickets and need to be taken to the hospital during Homecoming and St. Paddy’s aren’t Queen’s students? Ya okay bud. Next you’re going to tell me that this is straight up immoral and a dick move. How could this not make Kingston look better??” Kingston Mayor Bryan Paterson is quoted saying to someone mid-dropping a bag of methamphetamines in a school district.

“This important joint initiative is an effort to address some of the community challenges we’ve had during these times and to ensure people account for their actions. Well, not really account for their actions since, again, they will be dead. It’s more of a messed up post-apocalyptic meets neo-medieval way of dealing with things.”

“Finding ways to encourage good citizenship, address these large parties, and promote student and public safety and community well-being is a high priority for me and the rest of my leadership team. As long as you consider mass hangings in the town square ‘promoting well-being’, then we agree.” said Daniel Woolf, Queen’s vice-chancellor.