The next wave of radical islamic terrorism has arrived. It weighs three pounds, has a furry tail, and possesses no concept of morality. It is the ultimate killing machine. It is the Kingston squirrel. I may have no evidence for this claim, but here at Golden Fox News we don’t deal in evidence, we deal in the first erroneous claim that comes to our heads and I think I’m onto something with this one.
This is a bigger threat than homegrown terrorists, than the incredibly dangerous Canada-Mexico border, than rap music, this could possibly be the end of freedom as we know it. Have you seen those bastards? They’re everywhere. I’m looking out the window at one right now. He’s eating food he didn’t pay for like the goddamn freeloader he is and plotting the downfall of free Canadian society as we know it. Can you imagine the absolute havoc these little fuckers could wreak. Furry jihadists raining down from every tree on this campus, ripping through your window screens, stealing your beer, stealing your weed.
We stand at a crossroads. Our home is ground zero for the squirrel jihad that could potentially sweep every university in this great nation. Whether you know it or not this campus is under a dangerous squirrel occupation and it is our duty as god fearing Canadians to stop this invasion at its source. So it’s with this in mind that I propose the following steps to make this school free of radical islamic squirrels once again.
Remove Justin Trudeau from office: We need a Prime Minister who takes a hardline stance on radical islam and isn’t high all the time. Justin Trudeau is neither of those things.
Eliminate the income tax: I’m not sure how this would help but taxes are bullshit nonetheless.
Immediately begin a relentless bombing campaign of the squirrel menace: Nevermind the collateral damage, and nevermind the fact that we ourselves would be that collateral damage. We need to bomb these little pieces of shit into submission as soon as possible.
Undertake a nation building mission and replace the squirrel king with a pro U.S presidential dictator: This one speaks for itself. It’s a historically proven method that has never failed
Do not worry my fellow Gaels. Justin Trudeau may have gotten you into this mess, but with reactionary tendencies and Fox News by your side freedom on this campus with never fall to the relentless squirrel menace.