The following is a direct copy of a speech President Obama plans to give on his final day in office. Golden Words has the utmost certainty in our source and the legitimacy of this leak.
My fellow Americans, it has been nothing shy of an honor to serve you these past eight years.
While I understand that some of you are concerned about my successor, if there’s one thing I’ve learned not to underestimate, it is the resilience of the American people. It is for this reason that I’m certain you can all persevere through the fucking bomb I’m about to drop on you guys.
Listen, I can tell this is gonna be really awkward. I don’t even know where to start… You remember that whole “I’m an undercover muslim from Kenya” thing? Couple folks said I was an undercover muslim from Kenya? We all had a laugh about it? Well… They were right.
I know. I know. It’s weird. It doesn’t really make sense. It’s the end of my final term, and I never really got up to any undercover Kenyan business. I didn’t get around to making Islam the official state religion. But the truth is, I’m terrible at my job. I don’t know how I got so far, I’m a pretty shoddy spy. I was so incompetent at undermining the country that I think I may have actually improved it.
But that’s not the whole story. I want to dole these details out slowly so I don’t shock you all by dropping it on you at once. OK. I’m also a reptilian, or, in layman’s terms, a lizard man. I’m a humanoid lizard, and I wear a biologically engineered man suit to disguise this fact. Many of you have pointed out that I’ve aged a lot these past eight years, and attributed it to the stress of the presidency. However, the real reason is that my man suit has a limited lifespan, and it has been worn out by my constant usage of it during my time in the Oval Office.
I don’t only need to apologize to you, the American people. I also need to apologize to my wonderful wife, Michelle. We’ve been married for twenty four years, and I’ve been lying to her since the beginning. Every time I shed scales in our bed, I acted as if I didn’t know how they got there. I did. Remember when we first started dating, and my neck kept expanding? That’s because a frill in my neck shoots out during courtship. That day when Malia and Sasha found that oversized lizard tail in the backyard? Mine.
I know this is all very shocking. I just couldn’t keep this secret any longer, not only to prevent all the brave truth tellers like Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh from being discredited, but also because I’m tired of living this lie. I’m a Kenyan lizard man, and I don’t care who knows it.
Written by President Barack Obama, Reported by Patrick O’Reilly