Legendary Pictures Announces: “The Dark Knight Circumsises”, Starring Jewish Bale


After five years of anxiously awaiting, fans of DC Comics have been raving over the recent announcement of a new entry in the Dark Knight franchise. However, not all are enjoying the polarizing news that the movie will star acclaimed actor, Jewish Bale, as Batman. The movie, slated to arrive in May 2017, will be titled “The Dark Knight Circumcises”, and will focus on Batman’s rebirth as a spunky Jewish teen growing up in mid-1960s Brooklyn. After three successful Dark Knight movies starring Christian Bale, the studio felt that it was time for a fresh face to lead the franchise to appeal to a younger demographic.

The movie has already premiered at ComicCon in San Francisco, to mixed reviews from fans and critics alike. The San Diego Chronicle called the movie, “a three-hour long absurdist meditation on themes of identity, sexuality, and human nature.” Meanwhile, the Denver Inquirer had a bit harsher of an evaluation, declaring the movie as, “not much more than a direct copy of Boyhood, but with slight Jewish themes and a vague understanding that this kid is supposed to later be Batman.” Several fans walking out of the theatre could be heard muttering under their breath, cursing that yet another DC superhero has been ruined by Hollywood.

Jewish Bale will star alongside a CGI hologram of Heath Ledger, returning to the screen for the first time since his death to play a new character to the Batman canon- a scheming villain named Fourskyn who seeks to bully the young Bruce Wayne at his local Hebrew day school. If the confusing premise of the movie hadn’t stirred up enough controversy, the decision to reincarnate a beloved celebrity for financial gain also didn’t sit right with many. PETHA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Holographic Actors, put out of disparaging statement accusing the studio of taking advantage of the star of Brokeback Mountain and The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus.

In an exclusive interview with co-star Natalie Portman (she’s Jewish, it doesn’t always have to be a pun), she spoke out against all of the controversy facing the film. “When I starred in Leon the Professional at age 12 and had a seemingly-sexual relationship with a grown man, no one said anything. When I star as the loving teenage wife of a young teenage Jewish Brooklyn boy, who may or may not become Batman, suddenly I’m barraged with hate mail and weird texts from the Union for Reform Judaism.”

The movie has already spawned several memes, after a poster typo accidentally referred to the leading star as “Jewish Bae”. In Hollywood alone, you can no longer walk down the street without seeing someone wearing a ‘Jewish Bae T-Shirt’, drinking out of a ‘Jewish Bae Coffee Mug’, or even the odd American open-carrying their ‘Jewish Bae Glock’ around town. Despite the lackluster response, the movie has built up hype rivalling that of ‘Superman vs Batman’, and is on track to gross over $180M at the box office in its opening weekend.