Letter to the Reader


Dear reader, I would like begin by saying that I’ve been watching your work for years (your work being sitting in Walter Light between lectures reading this fine newspaper – I’m the guy hiding behind the plant). I have been a huge fan of yours for a while now, but recently your content has been bland at best. You just sort of sit there glancing out our paper, breathing through your nostrils heavily if you find something amusing. Could you be less enthused? And don’t think I didn’t see that random text your friend sent you. They said “did you read gw this week?”, and you replied, “yea, lol”… You didn’t laugh out loud you piece of shit. Listen here you cis-gendered scum, we work hard every Sunday, for like, a couple hours in between being hungover and stoned to bring you laughter.
Step up your game. And HERE’S something you didn’t expect reader. I followed you home after your class last Wednesday. YEAH. I bet you didn’t want to hear that, but I saw and heard everything. You went home, put our last issue on our table and started talking to your housemate. He asked if this week’s issue was any good… You said, and I quote, “meh, it’s alright. You wanna read it?” He shook his head and you THREW THE ISSUE IN THE GARBAGE. Who do you think we are, the Journal? You’re supposed to hold onto these issues to remind yourself 10 years down the line when you work at a soul crushing job that you had fun in university.
How DARE you. I wished I had never written that article that made you laugh milk out of your nose in leonard caff in first year. I mean, later you discovered it wasn’t milk that was coming out and had to be escorted to KGH but my point still stands… Am – am I not good enough for you anymore, reader? Did you find a younger, sexier publication like Buzzfeed? You KNOW that Buzzfeed is just gonna get fat in 5 years. Just look at their format! They can’t maintain that forever! R-r-reader, is there s-something I did wrong? Are we too offensive? Not offensive enough? You NEVER open up to me anymore… I only open up to you… cause I’m a newspaper. I miss the old days where you’d fall asleep with my articles in your arms. Just promise me that you’ll never forget me when print media dies. I mean we do have a website… eh fuck it, you aren’t going to be visiting that anytime soon.