The internet makes up the vital foundation for every aspect of our technological society. Whether it’s your online banking, sharing nuclear launch codes or getting some porn to masturbate to, the internet makes it possible. So what happens when your router stops working? Fret not, for while your banking and nuclear launch codes will have to wait, fap time will thankfully not. So grab your lotions and get ready to rub, because in this article you will find a plethora of different ways to entertain yourself without the need for PornHub or other such pornographic outlets.
Wack-tastic wack tactic #1: Sears Catalogue
Truly a classic, this piece of literature is guaranteed to provide a good time. Let yourself slip into a sensational experience filled with modestly dressed attractive people, corinthian leather and box-spring mattresses. The nostalgia factor of this wack tactic is definitely an attractive aspect, as you will be reminded of your first experimental wanks with every flip of the page through this bible of Fapolicism.
Wack-tastic wack tactic #2: Ceiling Lights that Look Like Boobs
We’ve all been there. You are casually looking around the room, avoiding eye contact with the person across from you at all costs, when you suddenly look up to see a tit. Why is there a tit on the ceiling? Then, just while you’re realizing that it’s actually just a light, you feel an awkward presence pushing against your zipper. If it feels weird the first time then you probably need to be a little more open minded. Once you try this once, you’ll find yourself regularly lying on the floor in your room while the tits of angels stare down at you from the heavens.
Wack-tastic wack tactic #3: Jedi Masturbation
In order to master anything, you must first master yourself. This is especially important for this tactic, which involves being mastering your mind before you master-bate. Jedi masturbation requires not touching yourself in any way, shape or form, and raising your dongers like Luke raised his X-Wing from the swamp. But do or do not, there is no try.
Wack-tastic wack tactic #4: Produce Section
Time for the fresh food section to get just a little bit fresher. When you’re starting up, quickly grab a cucumber, hunch behind the apple stand and get ready for a good time (but not before you grab balsamic vinegar dressing for some pleasant-smelling lubricant). Next time, try dabbling into some more exotic produce like cauliflower or dragonfruit. “Cleanup in aisle four!”
By using any of this simple tactics, you can easily avoid nasty computer viruses for the low, low cost of your dignity and public indecency charges. Good luck!