I like to think that I’m a good person throughout the year. I call my parents regularly, I share the notes I take in class, and I’m not a passive aggressive bitch when my douchebag housemates don’t do their dishes. I even help the occasional elderly person out on the subway with their bags.
You got me. I don’t actually help old people. I just think about it until someone actually does it. But like all how useless people say, it’s the thought that counts.The more that I think about it, I put a lot of effort into making it look like my kindness is effortless.
Kindness is hard, especially when surrounded by the subpar. The only suitable reward for being good all year is to validate my efforts with superficial, tangible goods. So this year, I want the following shit for Christmas:
Adele’s new album, 25: If this piece of heart-touching poetry is not on your own Christmas list, you’re an abominatory monster. Adele has the voice of a Christmas angel and I speak for the nation when I say Christmas would be incomplete without buying her album.
A tacky Christmas sweater: It’s not original to be original anymore and I want a slice of the Christmas sweater trend. I want a hideous piece of clothing with decorations hanging off it that I can only really wear for a week out of the whole year.
A subwoofer: I’ve always wanted something to jam my sweet tunes on… and to drown out the noise of my family arguing at Christmas dinner when I inevitably retreat upstairs to escape the conflict.
Telekinetic powers: I want to trip out my professors in lectures by telekinetically changing the slide a little too early or maybe flickering a light or two. Just mild shenanigans. I would be modest with my Christmas powers, no Marvel vigilante shit or anything.
More pens: I don’t have enough pens. No one has enough pens. It only makes sense to ask for more.
For my housemates to do their fucking dishes: Especially for Jenny to just put away a plate once in her life. In fact, it would be a fucking Christmas miracle if she could do something selfless for someone else.
For the AMS to stop being evil: It feels like these are the same kids that took dodgeball too seriously in gym class. It’s student government for Christ’s sake. I suppose the whole student population basically refreshes every 4 years and no one will remember the 2015-2016 AMS regime and its defunding, nepotistic ways. Wait, that’s not my point. Just stop being evil, at least for Christmas.