Living in a Perfect Physics Universe


Wouldn’t it be so nice to answer all physics questions without wanting to die… I mean.. without having to assume a perfect universe? Wouldn’t it be so nice to just answer a question and know that the result will be perfectly identical to one of a real-life experiment? The answer is no. You’re all WRONG. *Flashbacks to every physics test I have ever taken* In a perfect physics universe, we as a species would not be able to survive and this article‘s purpose is to show you all why.

  1. No Friction

This is a fun one. Imagine you’re in the middle of a room with a perfectly flat floor, nothing around you. How do you get to the walls? Concerning the conservation of momentum, you can’t, unless you’re feeling hella sexual and wanna throw off some clothes;) then yes, you would slowly be able to slide opposite the direction in which you threw your clothes. But, how would one walk? How would one dance? How would one LOVE. How would one feel the emotional powers of adoration? *The author begins to realise the strikingly strong emotional connection one should have with friction. It is the property that brings the strongest force in the universe together. Love. As tears hit the keyboard, the world cries, and the night dies out, with no other story to tell, and no other song to sing.* But like honestly how would one walk though??

2. No Air Resistance

No air. No breathing. Death. Death all around.

3. Everything is a Perfect Sphere

YES, I know this planet would just be a big game of pool and YES it would be lit, but there are some drawbacks to EVERY OBJECT BEING A SPHERE. Like how would civil engineers do literally anything? Triangles are their god! How will literally any human exist if we’re all perfect spheres? There are no answers. Death. Death all around.

4. sin(x)=x

It literally just doesn’t.

5. cos(x)=1

Again, just complete bullshit.

6. Assuming anyone doing physics actually enjoys it.

Yes, where would the technology in this world be without the human race having an understanding of the fundamental physical properties of this universe? But! Does anyone who consciously chooses to study physics really actually enjoy it even in the slightest? No. Physics is so fucked that if you ask Mr. Meeseeks to help you get your physics marks higher, he will continue to duplicate and hold people at a restaurant hostage and threaten to kill you, but in this case hitting a tomato with a pipe wont make them disappear and the hostages will die. And so will you. So much death. All around.

Now for my final statement. Why, you ask, do we choose to study physics? Well, not all heroes wear capes. We just wear frowns and tears.