Local Ailing Child Doesn’t Receive Enough Facebook Likes for Surgery


After an extreme, freak accident over the summer, involving a guillotine and a tube of KY jelly, Little Timmy the Orphan has lost the entire bottom half of his body. Since the tragedy, Little Timmy now shits with a colostomy bag and his parents are still dead. To Little Timmy’s luck, modern medicine has perfected a surgical procedure that can re-attach Little Timmy to his bottom half, but such procedure comes at a hefty cost.
The Pittsburgh Institute of Surgical Science, or better known as PISS, offers an abdominal to ass reattachment surgery for $100,000 US, or an alternate payment of 10,000 Facebook likes. Upon hearing that such deal was available, Little Timmy the Orphan set out a Facebook campaign to achieve the needed likes to fix his disfigurement. After putting an elaborate sob story together, complete with a picture of Little Timmy holding the decaying legs he hopes to reattach, Little Timmy was disappointed with the likes he yielded. Little Timmy was only able to get 53 of the intended 10,000 likes needed to get in order for PISS to reassemble him.
 “At first, I thought 53 likes was a lot” Little Timmy the Orphan told Golden Words, “But then I saw that young women in their 20s were racking up hundreds and hundreds of Facebook likes with solely their racks! It’s unbelievable!” Since learning that sex appeal is the only way to earn the approval of Facebook, Little Timmy has redirected his efforts to self-tanner and breast implants as tools to get the life-saving surgery he needs. In addition to flaunting the goods, Little Timmy also planning to reel in Facebook likes with various filters. Little Timmy blushed, “I think I look the best in the Valencia filter”
If Little Timmy the Orphan cannot generate the likes needed for PISS, he will need to continue working in the child labour coal mines at $0.67 cents an hour until he can make the $100,000.
 Like this article if you agree Facebook likes need to be taken more seriously.