Local Man isn’t bitter at all about not being allowed to join LGBTQ club- an open letter


Well, La-ti-da, look who it is: everyone’s favourite little group. Oh sure, you guys and gals and everything in-between think that you’re SOOOO inclusive and friendly. But meanwhile, you get up on your high horse-shaped-float at the Pride Parade and look down on the rest of us you have deemed unworthy to get up there and shake it to “Born This Way”. Literally looking down – that is a tall float. 
I’m just a simple man. I enjoy a home-cooked steak, Netflix, and beefy shirtless guys in suspenders spraying me with supersoakers. There is no other outlet for me to indulge in these tastes with fellow enthusiasts than your club. You think Chess Club has that stuff? Queen’s Bands? Archery Club? The Chinese Students Association? Formula Team? Concrete Canoe? No – and you know you could throw a kickass party on those canoes. 
But you’re so exclusive, it’s not even funny. Just because I’m “not gay” and have “very stereotypical assumptions about the kinds of stuff we do at this club,” you think you can just refuse me entry. Have you not forgotten your roots? I demand equity! Or equality…whatever I’m mad!
You say “why don’t I join the gay-straight alliance?” WHY DON’T YOU JOIN AN ALLIANCE- AN ALLIANCE OF EVIL. Well, maybe not evil. But you sure as shit are mean. I like rainbows too, guys. They have my favourite colour in them. Which colour? It doesn’t matter – that’s not important right now. But lets just say it rhymes with ‘Shut your fucking face’. 
I’m being oppressed and you are gonna hear about. I’m going to take this to the highest court in the land – the food court in the ARC where I will discuss this issue with the AMS Equity Commissioner. Or the Equality Commissioner. Whichever one answers my emails. My struggle will not be silenced! Too many straight men such as myself have been the subject of continuous put-downs from your hoity-toity community. I will bring my fight to the streets, or at the very least, the nearest comment section I can find. RON PAUL 2012!
This letter is an open plea to your intolerant little collective – let me in and I will drop the whole thing. But until then I will not go quietly into the night, just like how I fought to become the first White president of my local NAACP chapter.