Local Man Wins 9 Straight Games of Beer Pong, Becomes Deity


For Robert Planters, Arts ‘19, this homecoming began as a fun weekend like any other. In the evening, he and his friends trawled around the ghetto admiring the wasteland of broken solo cups and empty beer bottles. The unconscious bodies of frosh, upper year and alumni alike were scattered across various lawns over the hills and far away. In other words, Aberdeen was looking as wholesome and hospitable as it ever does. Then Planters reportedly entered a quiet get-together of about four hundred of his closest friends at a nearby two bedroom semi. A beer pong table had been set up so that socially awkward people would have something to do while drinking. Mr. Planters was anticlimactically called on to join the table by his erstwhile bro Steven Paige. They played a round, scraping a win against two fellow bros John “Jones” Paul and Bon Zo in a game that everyone around them described as just a spectacular conglomeration of talent with a sparkle and grit. It would go on to influence decades of beer pong players after them. It should also be noted that the four are in a terrible garage band named Lead Airship. Planters/Paige then easily brushed off two additional challengers with ease. Paige left the game because he saw a black dog at the party and excitedly ran to try and name it “Kashmir”. It should be noted that Paige was considered to be “totalled” by many present .

Planters, however, actually improved after the abandonment by his partner and Planters trampled the next four teams underfoot, causing two consecutive naked miles and leaving his opponents dazed and confused. A communication breakdown with the DJ (one Patty Alberts, Sci’ 17, equipped with 8tracks) caused the song that was currently playing, “Rock and Roll” by Led Zeppelin, to remain the same throughout the utter decimation. A crowd slowly gathered as Planter started to glow in what would be his final game as a mere mortal man. As Rob raised his hand to sink the last of his cowering opponent’s cups, the glowing swelled as the ping pong ball was loosed by his quasi-ethereal hand. With a plop that was heard around the world, the roof of the house was torn apart by a maelstrom as the Allfather Odin split the barrier between Midgard and Asgard to claim the former man as a God. To the frail human observers, Planter appeared to ascend a stairway to heaven while lightning and thunder raged around the feeble gathering of Men in Kingston Ontario.

At press time, Planter was reported to be doing keg stands with Thor, and the apotheosis was thought to be hurricane winds around the hub on Saturday night.