Local Old Folks Home Trying New “Unplug” Policy To Save Energy


Saint Catherine’s Home for the Wrinkly and Unwanted has taken on a new environmentally friendly initiative this past week. Aptly named “Unplugged”, the in-home staff have been instructed to disconnect phone chargers, laptop cords and life support systems in order to reduce their carbon footprint. “It’s really a great thing we’re doing here. There’s this peace of mind you get from this sort of ecological responsibility” said Gary Busey, an attendant at the facility. “Our Unplugged program doesn’t just mean ‘turning off the light when you leave a room’, but goes as far as ‘taking an elderly person’s life against their will’. When you have a tangible impact on the world around you, it really makes you smile.”

The facility saw a simultaneous decrease in food consumption and increase in patient turnaround as they completed their fourth day of the program. As well, patients have reported a better experience with less super old people and more available spots at the euchre table. Some residents have even gone as far as complementing their caretakers, showing real, human emotion.

Not all are happy with the new program though, close family and friends of the elderly residents worry the facility isn’t doing enough to reduce their ecological impact.

“I just think that if they really want to commit to helping the environment, they really need to step it up,” said Nerts McGirts, “No central heating, no cooked food, no ventilation–then we can see an actual change in the world. What quality of life does my mother have knowing her carbon footprint is so large?” Staffers have responded with a short statement about minding their own damn business.

Residents at the home have also started taking part in the program, letting the nurses know when they’re comfortable turning off their bedside heaters, night lamps, or dialysis machines. “I’ve pulled 5 plugs today!” said Luke Seravalle, local old person, “Two of them were close friends…”