Man Dies at Costume Party

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A real corpse joined the ranks of uncreative people stuck in $5 skeleton costumes this past hallowe’en. Ben Toeborect, Sci ‘17, was out at a rager with his pals, getting turnt as per ushe, crushing brews and antagonising dudes named Stew (in order to make the rhyme work). Ben then according to his boys suffered a massive stroke while “wheeling the shit out of a biddy” as the extra requirement of blood flowing to the man’s genitalia proved to be Mr. Toeborect’s downfall, when coupled by the low blood pressure brought on by the excessive binge drinking and antagonising of Stews’. EMS were instantly called and tragically in what was ordinarily preventable case, they were completely unable to find Mr. Toeborect due to the sea of people admiring their authentic costumes. “I remember telling them “Oooooh, wow, you guys got a gurney, uniforms, and authentic CPR units… Someone’s a try hard” completely not realising that they were real paramedics and I was obstructing them from saving a life” said guy dressed like a sexy cat, Dave Van Ryn.
    In the interest of fairness it ought to be mentioned , that not all of the blame was on the 739 revellers packed into the three bedroom bungalow on University and William, but also on the paramedics themselves as they spent no less than 45 minutes overturning the bodies of unconcious party goers dressed like zombies. “It was like finding a needle, that looked exactly like a more realistic strand of hay, in a hay stack. Except all of the hay were vomiting what looked like completely undigested orange jell-o shots.” said Chief Paramedic Belt Sanders. 
    A spokesman for Kingston EMS said that officially, the paramedic force was resigning on the grounds, that they were “completely and thoroughly tired of dealing with whatever nightmare shit you guys manage to pull out of your asses each weekend” saying this was “entirely the last time anything so idiotic would ever become the responsibilty of any man or woman working the weekend shift over at the KGH emergency room.” KGH also formally announced it was closing it’s doors to anyone claiming to be suffering from any effects, collateral or direct, of being “too damn hype”, “blasted”, “plastered”, or to use the street term “intoxicated”
    At press time, the Kingston Police Department announced they would no longer be speaking to any students they are forced to ticket, arrest or otherwise interact with, but would only be mutely handcuffing, or giving tickets to students, saying that they too have “had it entirely up to here” with the entire student body but still “kinda liked the power trip”
 

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