Man Publicly Admits to Liking Fluid Nightclub

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In a shocking turn of events this week, Luke Griff, Arts ’17, announced in court to “enjoying the occasional night at Fluid” this Tuesday at the supreme court of the AMS. This disturbed individual pled guilty to vile and indecent behaviour at the University’s highest Non-Academic Disciplinary court, with a selected phrases from his statement of defense last Tuesday transcribed below:
“Y’know people like Ale, people like Stages, people like the Nog, but those are all established places, I mean who really wants to go to a place where people are??  … It’s like having your own personal DJ…  I really liked the last time I went to Fluid: it was a Friday night, an absolutely rocking crowd of probably eleven or twelve people, an alcoholic townie and we only had two underage pre-teens who’d been misinformed as to the name and location of the Spot: all in all, not a bad night …”
Mr. Griff who described himself as a “regular” attendee at the nightclub has immediately ran into problems as a result of his plea.
“My booty calls didn’t text back; my housemates sent news of my hearing to the landlord who immediately wanted me out on account of ‘lewd and unlawful behaviour’, my girlfriend left me, although that actually wasn’t because of this Fluid thing; she found out about the booty calls. My life has been a mess.”
Mr. Griff was brought to trial after a concerned friend of his, Curtis Fleet, filed a report about his behaviour. “Lukey [Mr. Griff] would be pre-gaming [binge drinking] hard [a lot] on a Tuesday night as per usual, ready to get turnt [become excited at the prospect of entering a drinking establishment], and all the boys [adult males] would be heading out to Tumble [a themed night at the Ale House & Canteen venue], and he’s all like “Woah dudes [adult males], I’m swinging a right on Princess [a street] to get to the real party”. This happened a couple times and we assumed he was doing something a little more fun, like plucking out his eyebrow hairs one by one or shaving his pubes [pubic hairs] with duct tape [not a shaving utensil]… then we followed him one night and found out he was going to that godawful vagina-themed bar [Fluid nightclub] and we knew something needed to be done.”
Justice Noah DeSousa issued a final statement before sentencing:
“The Law has an obligation to protect those who are obviously incapable of protecting their own physical, mental and above all, spiritual health. Any entertainment district venue with enough gall to have their logo include a barely stylized vulva in their name which is an obvious reference to vaginal discharge is obviously not a healthy place for anyone to be. Mr. Griff must understand that his actions are hurting himself as much as everyone around him.”
At press time, Mr. Griff had resolved to spend his free evenings at the Spot instead.

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