Man Talk

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Welcome to Man Talk, a “by men on men” (the topic not the sex position) column to being a man in today’s troubled times. Navigating you through everything from sex, women, fashion to how to train your sphincter let loose manly low-pitched “baroom”-ey farts as opposed to squealy, feminine toots.

How to Fight Like a Large Animal and Fuck Like a Much Smaller One

Every man knows the highest compliment he can be paid is that he fights like a bear. But does anyone want to be known as the guy who fucks like a bear? Ponderously inserting yourself, thrusting a few quick times and then immediately falling asleep for several months to preserve energy in the winter? No, you want to fuck like a rabbit, like a small pathetic being that is painfully aware that it is immediately recognizable as the inferior as virtually all of its day to day encounters. What sane partner could possibly turn down the immediacy and complete attention of a lover who with every jackhammering stroke confirms that he is equal parts surprised to be having sex and terrified at the prospect of a large predator tearing apart its burrow.

Speaking of burrows, another animal every red-blooded hombre should seek to emulate is the lowly vole. For those not familiar with the vole they are the rodent kings of sensuality in the fifteen to thirty gram weight class. Appearing similar to a small mouse, these herbivorous lotharios are renowned in the animal kingdom for being faithful to their mate for life and participating in the raising of their young. True vole-like love is almost tantric as the two participants described feeling safe and warm in their copulatory embrace almost as if they were sheltered by a network of burrows tunneled metres under the ground with a sophisticated network of tunnels with multiple exits. After explosively reaching sexual maturity within a month of birth and continuing to have an all you can bone buffet for the rest of its short life before likely being eaten by a northern spotted owl, truly the badge of “Vole Fucker” is the highest accolade you can strive for.

The afterglow of such soul-baring, emotionally connected rutting is highly preferred over say the sex habits of a wolf, which would absolutely clean the floor with the vole in a fight – truly it would quickly consume that vole and its entire family if they were caught outside the relative shelter of its underground hidey hole- when it comes to mattress actions it is not preferable. Wolves fuck approximately once a year and often resume normal behaviours (ie. pretending not to know each other, avoiding eye contact when studying at Stauf) within the next night.

In order to encourage this behaviour in himself, readers are encouraged to read up on the sexual habits of various rodents and focus on trying to inhabit that “frantic puny prey” mindset before any romantic encounter. Some proponents have found it helpful to eat carrots as an aphrodisiac during foreplay or to quickly jerk upright at a large noise during copulation and spend a few seconds ensuring there are no large predators approaching in the immediate horizon. Have fun putting your vole in that hole!!

Dear Man Talk,

Is it truly “not gay if it’s in a threeway” if all three of the participants in said threeway are homosexual men?

Sincerely,
Only Multiple Weiners for This Homosexual Leaner

Dear Mr. Leaner,

A classic bronundrum that was decided by the ruling of the highest male-centric court in the land… the Supreme Court of the United States. In the classic 1958 court case Gay v. But It’s In a Threeway the original case brought forward by a San Fransisco local Mr. Trudy Gay sought to reconcile the legal precedents that begged the question “what’s gay about passionate, loving and erotic sex between multiple male partners?” The highly publicized court case was squarely centered in the apple of the public eye with hundreds coming out to protest either side in front of the Washington D.C. courtroom. Plaintiffs had to be escorted in by police in case the crowd bearing signs such as “Threesomes are between a man and at least one woman” and “God said Adam and Eve Not Adam with Another Adam and Steve and let’s Just Tell Eve It’s Poker Night!”. The highest legal minds in the land came into play, with Mr. Mervin Gaye reciting his dramatic “Picket lines and picket signs. Don’t define me by plurality. Look at me, one of three. What’s gay-ing on?” speech before the bench to thunderous applause and an undeniably sexy backbeat laid down by the Motown house band. Numerous arguments were heard and dismissed (the “bros before lack of hoes” dictum, the “Devil’s Threeway” proposition) before in a fiercely contested ruling, the Supreme Court decreed that “Any threesome or group sex activity involving only participants of the same gender shall be known as a gay threesome” an important step forward for people of the penile variety who want to lay with multiple misters but don’t want to get caught in a metaphysical identity crisis while doing so. So in short, if you and two other hombres wanna get a double dutch rudder going now or in the immediate future don’t worry you’ll still be as gay as a rainbow 69ing another rainbow.

Man Talk welcomes reader queries or guest submissions so please email eds@goldenwords.net

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