Today an elderly man has done something never before attempted; posting his radical political views on “the Facebook” explaining how he will be voting for Donald Trump in the coming US Presidential election.
“Friends, family, and people on Facebook who get offended at everything: Today I am announcing my decision to vote for Trump. Now before you shit four and a half bricks, let me tell you why. As this time of year comes around, Halloween approaches, the leaves fall, and girls begin to wear their Uggs again. In the spirit of Autumn, I have decided to make a change. I have lived through two wars, a nuclear crisis, a recession, and a shit-storm of political fuckery, and I believe the problem lies with the fact our President is always a man. Now you may think, Harold, why not vote for Hillary? A woman has the sensitivity a modern-day powerhouse like America needs, and also doesn’t have a penis. Fuck that, you aren’t thinking outside of the box enough. I’m voting for Donald Trump because I’ve never once seen a pumpkin as President. Now I may be old, forgetful, mostly blind, slightly senile, forgetful, and a Texan, but I believe that a talking fruit has the capability to lead us to greatness. The only time we see talking fruit is in children’s stories and they ALWAYS go on to achieve great things (Think Rick the Radish, Chelsea the Chickpea and who can forget Sam the Sweet Potato). So why can’t Trumpkin achieve great things? His “outrageous” policies make a lot more sense when you think about it from the perspective of a pumpkin (Because IF he were a human like my wife keeps telling me, he’d be bat-shit insane).
He doesn’t want “Mexicans” coming in because he knows pumpkins are the healthiest fall food around and he doesn’t want re-fried beans coming into the great nation that is America. We are known for our spiceless-ness, bland meals, and incredible gluttony, and no amount of cheap re-fried dog shit can change that.
He doesn’t like ISIS because he knows ISIS is actually an anagram for ISSI which is an acronym for ‘Illuminati Shall Smash Itrouille’. Although this makes no sense to the uninitiated, after hours of intensive research (a 10 second scroll through the first page of google.) I have discovered that itrouille is a letter away from spelling citrouille. And citrouille is French for pumpkin! So not only is Trumpkin proving ISIS is pumpkin-ist, but is also proving ‘ISIS’ to be Illuminati confirmed (Thanks Donnie T).
In terms of Obamacare, he is so strongly against it because it’s discriminatory. It only focuses on people of America. Not ONCE does it cover the health risks faced by pumpkins (Which are pretty numerous because I’ve heard some people put pumpkins in the microwave and cut holes in them? You sick fucks).
He gets along with Russia so well because Putin literally sounds like pumpkin. Like how could they not be friends?
My wife says I should really update my prescription but I can see Donald’s orange pumpkin visage loud and clear thank you. She keeps telling me he’s a ‘real person’ and is a ‘legitimate business owner’ and ‘had a show.’ But this cannot be, because if he were a real person, it would be a fucking miracle that he hasn’t been assassinated yet. So despite my wife’s wishes and the ridiculous outcry from the public this is sure to admonish, this election season my vote goes to Team Trumpkin and the pumpkin minority.