Ahoy, Comrades! Welcome to our monthly meeting. I would like to extend my sincere thanks to Salim and his Subway restaurant, for generously giving us the back office for us to assemble. Even though your sandwiches are opulent imperialist symbols, your Sub of the Day special is executed with the kind of precision and regularity that would make Lenin weep with joy.
Despite the Capitalist Pigs’ best intentions, another year has come around. After the bourgeois extravagance of January’s many events, such as “New Years” (who gave you the right to take the day off just because you have to change calendars? Does it really take that long?) and Australia Day (a nation born out of imperialist desires), February offers a calmer, more labour-friendly palette of ‘holidays’. If you spend your days working inside, then you are sheltered from the cold; and if you work outside, at least this is the shortest month of the year and you should be happy you’re not in a Gulag. You don’t get daily (DAILY!) soup in a Gulag. However, there is one contemptuous, exploitative day in February that must be rectified if the workers of the world are to achieve true power and equality: Valentines Day.
If there is one lesson that the pigs at Disney has taught us, is that love is the only thing that can stop work and the march of progress. How petty of you! By putting your personal ‘feelings’ and ‘lives’ ahead of the state, you are moving us one step closer to being overrun by capitalist bullies! Therefore, as love is an unacceptable hindrance to productivity, a day celebrating it is obviously pro-emotion propaganda and must be eliminated.
The imperialists have found many clever ways to infiltrate this propaganda into our daily lives, and even our homes. Their leaflets, called “cards” are distributed by a secret network of carriers and smugglers from person to person. They use devious tactics, such as playing on natural human instinct to accept something from a person with large breasts or six-pack abs. But do not be fooled, workers of the world! If you show weakness in the face of emotion, you are denying your people the chance to become more highly-evolved, Marxist beings. The state will see that you are properly punished for such shameful actions.
Not to say that breeding is a bad thing – the state needs as many future workers as possible, so I would like to encourage our members to copulate as much as possible to create the next generation of our glorious nation.
And now onto this travesty of a holiday’s greatest excess: The mass commodification of this Valentine’s Day goods. The swine of the west have tricked up into believing that, for every useless, work-preventing love interest, we must spend an average of $130 per year on red, white and pink boxes, trinkets, flowers and literally so much more. There is no excuse to accept this drivel, produced by the hardworking, industrious peoples of China and Vietnam. A true Marxist, of course, would simply not observe this holiday and quietly send “restore February 14th to the people” literature to his neighbours. But for those of you out there who have your hands tied by your breeding partner to celebrate this holiday (socialists, you half-assed pussies), you must work outside the system and create your own, communist-approved Valentines Day gifts.
Make your own chocolate. Must be made from cocoa beans grown in a communist country and be free trade (your a communist, not an animal!)
Instead of taking your significant other to a bourgeois movie theatre, take him/her around to enjoy the beautiful communist-inspired architecture of Kingston, such as Jeffery Hall (if concrete makes you horny) or Princess Towers.
Go for lunch at peak times in the ARC Tim’s line, to get the full communist experience of waiting hours for food (for full effect, bring no money)
That’s it. What are you, a greedy capitalist?
As Salim has just informed me, he has to close up for the night, so therefore I must bring this meeting to a close. Please help yourself to the day’s remaining pickles on the way out, my treat.
Obligatory Anarchist Response
*due to new equality from EngSoc, we are required to publish the opposing view to this highly politicized article. We scoured the first page of our Google search and found an appropriate anarchist response to the issue of Valentines Day, posted on anarchyonline.co.uk/boards by user Project_Mayhem2002.*
A great man once said “If you burn shit, they will run.” And that great man is me. DO YOU HEAR THAT, WORLD? I’M A MAN NOW, ACCORDING TO THE TORAH! I’m not actually Jewish, but the rule is universal – no more fucking kiddie menus at restaurants, my world is now black masks and gasoline! Jump on my dick, America! You’re about to ride my glorious ideas into the new age of the future. Sex!
Speaking of sex and other things I have a lot of, it’s Valentine’s Day this week. This holiday is far too fucking structured and regimented for the average kid person to afford successfully! $15.99 for a box of chocolates? That’s bullshit! You should just steal it. If everyone stole, then the companies that produce this garbage would go broke and would be forced to sell their shit for free. And the nanny state police won’t be able to stop ALL OF US. They’ll be forced to give up, and slowly the PEOPLE can take control of their own fucking country!
And if you’re reading this Jenny, I’m really sorry for all that dumb shit I said at CyberDance last year. Will you accept this this box of chocolates and, like, be my girlfriend again? C’mon, this shit cost 16 fucking dollars. Fucking society, man…