Massacre at Local Lawnbowling Club


Kingston Lawn Bowling Club- Local senior citizens were treated to a thrashing as visiting Belleville Lawn Bowling Club defeated Kingston Lawn Bowling Club 31 bowls to 2. The team of Rick Wellsford, Sarah Stewart, David Pena bowled a near flawless game to upset the updated home team roster of Sean Bitter, Kellyanne Oldman and Donald Goldschmidt. Local fans say they were shocked when the home team repeatedly tried repositioning their balls after poor throws. Referee Angus Cottrell was forced to intervene on several occasions to restore order to the game, citing “foul-play”. After the game, he commented “Mate, I’ve never seen this before, most of the crowd was perfectly OK with the home team rearranging the balls, I don’t understand why they didn’t say anything.”

After the game, a jubilant Goldschmidt was seen congratulating his teammates on their performance, stating “We played a tremendous game today, one of the best games we’ve ever played, I saw it, the crowd saw it, everyone saw it. This is the first of many games we will win as we make the Kingston Lawn Bowling Club great again, believe me”. When asked how he could view blatantly lying about the result of the game a success, Mr. Goldschmidt insisted that according to his alternative rulebook the game was a resounding victory for Kingston. “They don’t want us to win so they rig the game, they just can’t see me win so they cheat, the dishonest referee is part of the problem too, so dishonest. There are winners and losers in bowls, and I’m a winner, therefore every game I play, I must win.”

Ms. Oldman, a veteran of the Kingston club who had never quite been trusted with bowling for them before the match, commented: “I’ve never seen this happen, what a game. I think this game will go down as the Bowling Green Slaughter, or maybe the Bowling Green Massacre. My only fear is that it will have been such a swift victory that people won’t know about it. People really need to know about this game, we killed Belleville.”

Unconcerned spectator Lisa Reid added: “If this is the way the game is played now I guess we’ll just have to accept it. I know Goldschmidt was very good at water polo when he played, so it only stands to reason that he’ll be equally good at lawn bowling. I took some pictures of the game as it happened so I could show my friends who weren’t there. You can see Kingston moving the balls but hey, let’s be honest, who hasn’t moved the balls before? I know I sure have.”

Mr. Bitter, for his part, repeated many of Mr. Goldschmidt’s claims; suggesting that photographic evidence of the them cheating could not be trusted as the some of the grass on the green was covered, rendering the photos misleading. Mr. Bitter then inferred that the dishonest referee must also be held to a higher standard, but preferably not his.”

Belleville declined Golden Words’ request for comment, opting instead to shriek, cry, then pushing over a trash can before returning home.