Ladies, my name is Veronica Corningstone, and I am guest reporting for Golden Words, in order to do a piece on the other sex: Men. As everyone knows, men are disgusting. Practically every man I see is rolling around in his own shit like an uncultured slob. Sure people say that men are among the cleanest of the animals but is that really a gold standard that we hold the other sex to? Cleaner than animals? Sure they’re not throwing their own shit at each other, but that’s pretty much the next best thing. Plus it’s really hard to cup one’s feces with hooves.
I see them every day and they disgust me. Men. Every time they call out my name it just sounds like oinks. With their stupid pink rubbery skin and leathery complexion and pink curly tails…
Hang on, I just realised I just realised the titling of my article could be a tad misleading. As I’m sure everyone reading this knows by now, just yesterday every single person possessing a Y chromosome was turned into a literal oinking pig, by the mythological sorceress Circe. I can see how it might be easy or tempting to pidgeon hole feminists into the stereotype that we all hate men. The idea that you, as a man, inadvertently and involuntarily have been benefiting from a biased system can feel like a personal attack: you’re suddenly the bad guy. However, before you automatically lump me in on that camp, I, a feminist, am literally reporting my perspective on the fact that 50% of the human population has been inadvertently turned into a snorting pig. So shame on you for judging ahead of time.
Anyways, as I was saying, there are literally pigs everywhere. On the morning of what will go down in history as the Great Oink Event, I woke up beside my husband of ten years running around the bed, squealing and trying to chase his newly grown six inch tail. My first thought was that it was a huge improvement to his four inch penis. My second thought was “wow, I never knew that pigs had such enormous weiners”. My third thought was “woah, the father of my children, and the love of my life has been transmogrified into a pig. That’s bad.” then I went back to mentally comparing the pig and my husband’s weiner. Needless to say the pig won in every perceptible category. I walked outside and my neighbourhood was overrun with pigs. My 8 year old boy was a pig. My neighbour was a pig. The guy who sells me weed outside the mcdicks was a pig, albeit a super high one. Surprisingly, enough, pigs got turned into squirrels, I don’t know where Circe went with that one. Probably a not so subtle metaphor for pigs being rambunctious little shits, like squirrels. Anyways, the world is slowly rebuilding: Hilary Clinton was voted in as Supreme Leader of the World, (Angela Merkel has made a point of passive aggressively bringing up the Lewinski affair) and has been making strides to improve woman kind everywhere. In the entertainment world, Oprah is the new Dr. Phil. Tina Fey is hosting the Tonight Show and Justin Bieber is still demolishing the singles charts. The age of man has ended, and as a testament to the fortitude and skill of men as a sex we ladies are happy to report that men make excellent pork!