Missed Connections

0
3

The holidays are coming. Winter is coming. And due to the cyclical nature of the seasons, in a paradoxical way Fall is coming as well. But most importantly somewhere out there, there are a whole bunch of unsatisfied people out there forwarding their weird missed connections to us. So in an attempt to have you guys air out your dirty laundry somewhere else we’re showcasing your desperation to our entire readership of approximately 30 frosh, 2 alumni and thankfully most of our staff (PS. thanks for the narcissism guys, you rock have a great break!)

    Hey Hot Momma,
    Totally made eye contact on the subway the other day and then what are the odds that I’m just scrolling through insta explore for three straight days. Y’know casual like, and who should pop up but a pic of that same fine young thang. If you liked the look of one middle aged looking old white dude with a hoop earing and a red leather jacket hit me up at the seniors centre. I’ll be the one kickin’ flips in my wheelchair (they call me “DJ Spins”) and being social media savvy. Dude.
    Bad Grandpa

    Hi there,
    I’m going to be frank and I’m not looking for love so much as a warm body. I’m pretty flexible on the details, as this is going to be strictly until it’s shorts weather again. I’m gonna be honest it’s getting a little too cold to be heading to the bar in a skirt right now and I’d rather just snuggle for the rest of the winter. So provided you’ve got a body that radiates heat hit me up at 416 660 0430.
    Cold Lady

    Hi,
    So I think this is so stupid. So stupid and dumb. But I saw you at Stauffer the other week (so stupid and dumb) and I couldn’t help but think “omg, Sally you’re being so dumb, but I swear to God he’s reading the same stupid book as you”. (Sally, being me of course, but you already know that, gawd I’m so stupid and dumb). And I put my old thinking cap on and said to myself, “Sally you may just be a plucky young 18 year old but in your experience here you know there’s no way he’d be reading that textbook for pleasure, he must be in my stupid and dumb class! So look, I know this is just a stupid cliche but if you were the cutie at stupid Stauffer last dumb Tuesday and are currently studying PHYS 805 The Applications of Quantum Computing I’d love to go out with you some stupid and dumb time.
    Sincerely,
    Sally Watts
    (M.Phys in Progress)
    
    John,
    When we hooked up last night I forgot to give you my number. Don’t get any bright ideas, you weren’t exactly mindblowing. To be honest you were only alright, I’m just pretty lonely. But fuck it you paid for pizza and laughed when I farted. Hell you even seemed kind of cute with that stupid line about Gorgonzola cheese, it does have a stupid name. God, who am I kidding, John, let’s meet up and get coffee sometime. You seem like a special guy. 
Call me, 416 660 0430,
    Besmirched Gorgonzola
P.S. Let’s be absolutely clear about this, you need a lot of improvement in the sack. First cue, when I say “Oh God, just like that,” that is not your cue to start experimenting with different patterns or mixing it up like you’re goddamned Marie Curie. That’s your cue to get down in the trenches.

    Paulina,
    Oh, my God, you’re the love of my life and I can’t think of a more appropriate way to voice this then by sending it to a humour newspaper on the off chance they publish it and put me in a good light and the off chance you read it and think of me in a good light. Holy shit, there’s no way that this ends up with me asking you out for coffee and our love blossoming into a fruitful marriage that my parents will approve of and my friends won’t mock me for.
Ehh fuck it. I’ll blame the vodka,
If you’re interested in making me your new backslide 416 660 0430
    Ryan Reynolds
[Editorial note, yeah we were shocked too, but he’s a fan. Paulina should really give him a call]

    Dear Mrs. Puce,
    Your handjobs were excellent. If you have any interest in escalating our tryst into the admittedly wily territory of what is colloquially known as “dry humping”, please call me 4166600430.
    Sam

    Jaundice Janice
    I never would have thought I’d fall head over heels over someone who looks like a Simpson’s character from head to heels. But hey, the world’s funny that way. If you like the look of a man in uniform call me 416-660-0430. 
    Colonel Mustard
P.S. If you must now it was with the candlestick in the dining room.

    AMS,
    Oh look at you so high and mighty, just gallivanting into my student email asking me to vote in the Fall referendum. Of course you knew I’d come crawling back. I cast my vote, the ball is in your court. My number is of course (416)-660-0430
    A. Student

[Editorial Note: Text 416 660 0430 your favourite insult for a chance to insult a writer on GW. It’s the wacky one of a kind deal you just can’t turn down. Standard charges may apply.]

 

Comments