Kingston, ON – The Kingston Police Department has released a statement apologizing to the students and faculty of Queen’s University for it’s somewhat over enthusiastic behavior over the past few weeks.
“I swear to God that when I heard my two daughters talking about cuffing season I thought they were talking about a period from roughly September to February when the weather gets colder and the police are encouraged by the community to increase their arrest numbers for petty offences and really up the ante in terms of the rough treatment to which they subject their suspects” a KPD spokesperson said. He went on to add that “had I known the true definition of cuffing season our constables most certainly would never have been instructed to ‘crack some fucking skulls’ or ‘really [not] be afraid to slam some frosh scum onto the hoods of [their] police cruisers’”.
In spite of the noble blame-taking spirit of the KPD the school administration has also admitted that they bear some guilt in this misunderstanding as well.
“When we heard about cuffing season we knew right away that we weren’t going to have the arrest numbers we needed in terms of student offences” said non-academic misconduct administrator Klevin Butt. “That’s when we came up with our brilliant ‘fuck everyone over with court summons’ initiative. In retrospect, upon further reflection and with full knowledge of what cuffing season actually is the initiative now seems like a massive overreaction and an unconscionable waste of municipal resources that are already stretched dangerously thin”.
We spoke to local Justice of the Peace Yelph Unthuhshelf to get his opinion on the burden that this cuffing season mixup has been placing on the Kingston justice system. “It seemed like a good idea when I first heard about it, but a quick google search made it clear that the KPD in fact had no idea what cuffing season was. This was in July as well. I actively brought up in multiple committee meetings that we were operating on fundamentally flawed information. Every time I did this I was told to be quiet. I’ve never seen such willful ignorance to basic facts outside of the United States of America. Did you know that ticketable offences are a huge revenue source for local governments? Apparently these assholes don’t. We used to make like $30 a ticket on drunk students at homecoming. Look around you, this is money that we desperately need. Now with these court summons we literally lose $6.50 on every public drinking ticket we issue, because why not? Fuck me right.”
At this point in the interview Mr. Unthuhshelf mumbled some exasperated quip about there being “no fucking point anymore” and left without providing us with any further statements.
While the KPD has taken responsibility for the mixup with grace and dignity there are some within the force who lament the need to make these concessions. “It’s times like this when I wish I was a cop in Saudi Arabia” said an anonymous constable “when cuffing season hits there you better bet they start bringing the hammer down. When premarital relations are prohibited under punishment of lashing or death cuffing season for sure means you get a bit of leeway to be over enthusiastic about your job”. He further added “this country’s going to shit”.