Hi honey, I’m just calling to see how you’re doing. Have the first few days been fun? Did you meet any girls? Are you settling into your room okay? How is the cafeteria food? I read this article that said that cafeteria food is good for you, and also how are the girls? Did you talk to any of them? I heard that the pier is closed, it sucks you can’t meet any girls there! You’re such a nice boy, I can’t wait for you to bring one home to meet me! And before you know it, I’ll get grandkids! LOL. Did you wear that sweater I got you? You look so handsome in it! I bet you’ve had so many girls approach you! Were any of them pretty? LOL! Of course they were. I’m saying LOL now, isn’t that fun?
But enough about boring stuff, call me back and tell me about you! Is my little baby getting laid? Is he crushing pussy? Are you getting it in? Even just the tip? Is my boy getting his dick wet? My baby had better be dipping his sausage! Do you know anyone biblically yet? Have you dropped the anchor? Wound the clock? Horizontally jogged? Gotten your oil changed? Tell me! Have you been riding the skin bus to tuna town? Have you attacked the pink fortress? Have you put your plug in the outlet? Your screw in the socket? Your nail in the coffin?
Is my wittle boy spelunking the bat cave? Making banana pudding? Bumping Uglies? Come on, I need to know if you’re hiding the salami. Are you doing the horizontal hula? Verbing the adjective noun? Burying the bone? Slapping bellies? Rolling in the hay? Honey, it’s important you tell me everything! I just need to know my baby is dipping the ice cream cone! Come on, are you knocking mops? Making the beast with two backs? I won’t rest until I know if you’re tying the true lover’s knot.
If you aren’t doing the midnight jockey ride every night, you aren’t living! When your father and I were that age… LOL. We tossed the newspaper every night, sometimes multiple times a night! We just want to make sure you’re enjoying yourself. I need you to take grandma to Applebee’s. Hell, miss class if you need to, I just want you to be burping the worm in the mole hole! Get some relish on that hot dog! Mom is worried about you. I like to think you’re parting the Red Sea constantly. Stuffing the meat pie! Smashing the portcullis! Parking your car in the garage?
Listen honey, I won’t tolerate a son who flogs the one-eyed snake every night. No more beating the bishop for you! Remember that time I walked in on you choking the nun? No more spanking the monkey! No more summoning the Genie. I swear, if I find out one more time that you’ve been on one Palmela Handerson, so help me God…
Listen, son. At the end of the day, your father and I love you very much. But please, at least get to second base this year. Love you!