Moon Moon Rises


The supermoon occurred last Sunday, disappointing the hordes of individuals expecting a large image of Kim K’s ass whizzing through the sky at breakneck speed and instead presenting them with a small rock bobbing aimlessly amongst the stars. What a disappointment.
Unsurprisingly, Earth’s dimwits managed to screw it up. No one seems to realize WHY the moon gets so big and so red at these infrequent points of history. The astronomers are lying through their teeth, trying to act as wingmen for the original definition of star crossed lovers and failing miserably because they’re all foreigners waiting to be told what love is. 
Guys, we’re cockblocking the moon.
After four and a half billion years of being close enough to flirt and wink but never close enough to touch, no one can blame it for being a little horny. I mean, I think we all would, right? So every now and then the moon works up the courage to make a move. Slide a little closer, maybe reach an arm around her shoulders, give the bedroom eyes.
Yet every time it happens, every single time the moon tries to make the ultimate play for that epic embrace, a billion people make a point of standing outside their houses or putting up with the wind tunnel of Lawrence street and crashing by the lake to watch its every move.
I mean, you’d probably turn bright red too, wouldn’t you? Imagine you’re flirting with a fine specimen who’s roughly eight leagues out of yours at a party and suddenly everyone present turns to look at you as you’re trying to seal the deal. You’re sober (there’s an unfortunate lack of alcohol in space) and your observers are the most judgemental species in the known universe, watching you try to slip away between the sheets and pointing with more and more enthusiasm the redder the embarrassment turns you.
That’s not cool, people.
I vote the next time one of these “astrological phenomena” occurs we hide inside, lock our doors, and let Mama Earth get some action. She’s put up with our lazy asses since our species’ inception; surely to goodness we can give these cosmic virgins some space.