Most Sarcastic Hookup Ever

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It started as just a regular evening for one Dave Van Ryn, Arts ‘18, as he dressed up ironically as a sexy cat for a friend’s hallowe’en party being just a simple man with confidence in his sexuality and a deep appreciation for social commentary. He headed out to the party when across the way he spotted a non-smiling girl dressed as a non-sexy cat holding a sign, “Here fur a good time” out by the door.They proceeded to talk for a length of time, trading quips about how hallowe’en was sexist, pagan, and idiotic and they were only going out on Hallowe’en as a bit. At one point, the girl, whose name was Jean LaVallee rolled her eyes and said “shouldn’t we be going through the stereotypical, where do you go, what year convo?” to which Dave replied “Oh I looove beating that dead horse.” They then pointed out a guy in a horse costume in a crowd and made a joke about beating him off. They both feigned laughter while finding what each other had to say fun and amusing. This whole circle jerk went on for about 45 more minutes before they eye-rollingly proposed the only conceivable progression from this contrived conversation ought to be that Jean goes home with Dave.
They both laughed while Dave said “well wouldn’t that be too stereotypical”, and Laura agreed “Well I suppose we could compromise by going over to my house” Laura said “I suppose that would be a real change on convention wouldn’t it. Let’s do it! I’m super excited” 
The two continued to make out on their way home, stopping every five minutes, to remind each other how silly and played out this whole thing was. They slipped under the covers and made passionate love punctuated by shouts of “Wow, I guess you could say it’s in.” and “I’m definitely not thinking about Ryan Reynolds right now”, “Sure I’d loooove to get on top” and “No, your genitals smell juuuuuust fine”, and of course “Let’s just start watching a movie on Netflix, that we’re both really excited to see so we can have it ruined by the soundtrack of the bedframe creaking, yeah that sounds greeeeeeeaaat”
At press time, the two announced they were engaged and planned to “get married” with the air quotes every ti- sorry we have a report coming in live from studio, breaking back to studio…
HAHA SUCKERS. YOU JUST READ THAT WHOLE IDIOTIC STORY. I GOT YOU, I GOT YOU GOOD. YOU’LL NEVER GET THAT TIME BACK, THOSE ARE FIVE MINUTES OF YOUR LIFE THAT ARE FOREVER LOST TO YOU, WITHOUT EVEN SO MUCH AS A GIGGLE AS RECOMPENSE! MY BRILLIANT PLAN IS COMPLETE!!…
At press time, Two and a Half Black Men were arrested for dropping the mic so hard it broke the fourth wall. 

 

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