Earlier this week, Areal Violin, a 3rd year music student suffered blunt force trauma to her brain and a free trip to KGH during a freak piano-delivery mishap outside of Harrison LeCaine. Witnesses say Areal slipped and fell right under a piano being lifted on a crane which distracted the movers, causing the piano to fall 3 storeys and land perfectly on her head. One of the movers Isat Uba, described the scene as ‘horrifyingly humorous’, “Like we all heard this comical ‘TWANG’ but when we looked we saw this poor girl with her faced caved in and just blood…everywhere…”.
We caught up with Doctor Skal Pel in the OR to get his expert opinion on the matter, “It was a grave situation, there were piano keys literally lodged in her brain, how hilarious is that! I mean when we were taking them out I swear I heard Baa Baa Black Sheep or some shit coming out of her frontal lobe”. Dr. Pel has a history of dealing with funny injuries, “Yeah just last month I took shards of glass out of a young man’s arms because he thought he could carry one too many glasses – spoiler alert – he stepped on his shoelace and they went everywhere”.
This is part of a wider epidemic of people getting injured in comedic ways across campus. Two months ago a student almost died in a pie-throwing fundraiser when Af Ootbal, a Queen’s football player, threw a pie at App Lepie, a 2nd year Politics major, so hard that he got concussed and had to miss a semester to get back on his feet. Or even back in October when a girl got kicked in the face by a horse.
Noc Omedy, a frosh who won’t tell us his age, is trying to start a new club that ensures the safety of students… from funny accidents. He explained to us in lurid details, “We’re planning on banning bananas from campus to eliminate the possibility of someone slipping on them and all pies so that students can’t get hit by them. That’s a risk we just can’t take, like in Saigon”. Noc then scratched his fully grey beard, cocked his M-16 and walked away into the black fog.
To wrap this story up we snuck into Areal’s hospital room to get her side of the story. We could barely make out what she was saying over the noise of her mechanic lungs and voice synthesizer. She began to tell us, “so I was walking to Harrison LeCaine like I do everyday, and it wasn’t particularly icy that day so the thought of slipping didn’t even occur to me. But as I was walking in between the Agnes Etherington house and Jeffery hall, my nostrils attached to a nostalgic scent that hasn’t graces my olfactories in years – fresh apple pie. So at this point I have to know where it’s coming from and lo and behold, there is a pie on the windowsill in one of the offices in Harrison Lecaine! So as I approach the pie I take a step and slip, but it’s not icy right? As I look down I see something yellow, a banana, and right when I fell a beautiful grand piano came crashing down onto me and crushed my cranium. Lights out for me”. After Areal finished her story, a familiar figure appeared in the doorway smoking a cigarette in a clearly labeled no-smoking zone. “A banana peel eh? I knew they were behind this the whole time”, the stranger lifts his head, it’s Noc Omedy, the frosh! He kept going, “There’s nothing funny about pain, about suffering, about salvation. If my club comes to fruition, I can guarantee you’ll never get hurt again… by a banana peel or a pie”. And just like that, Noc disappeared into the night.
Vote for Noc’s club on January 30th and 31st.