My Penis is (not?) an Ice Cream Cone

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The other day, I was eating an ice cream cone. A delicious, vanilla ice cream cone. It fit very perfectly in my hand, feeling very comfortable just like … my penis. I finished the ice cream cone, enjoying every last drop of the tasty, white, creamy fluid that was inside the cone. The next day, I was back at McDick’s buying another ice cream cone. Day after, I had my hand tightly gripped around a very satisfying rigid cone. I was doing this as often as … as often as I was masturbating. It was then that I had an epiphany:
Maybe my penis didn’t just remind me of an ice cream cone. Maybe my penis was an ice cream cone!
I didn’t want to jump to conclusions though, so I decided I had to test this theory. The most important test was the taste test. I immediately went home, stripped down, took my penis in hand and tried to taste it. Despite how hard I tried, and how hard I was, I just couldn’t quite reach it. What a troll penis! There’s a vanilla ice cream cone attached to my hip and it’s even cheaper than McDick’s, but I can’t even eat it! As annoyed as I was, I couldn’t let my theory go to waste, and had to get assistance.
“Excuse me sir, I believe that my penis has transformed into an ice cream cone. Would you be so kind as to taste it for me and let me know?” I tried this line on many people passing by: men, women, children, and even a dog. The dog showed some interest until her owner pulled her away angrily and gave me a dirty look. Everyone was so rude to me. I was just trying to do an experiment in the name of science and kept getting shut down. Finally one kind gentleman had an answer for me!
“You think your penis is an ice cream cone? Bullshit! Your penis and an ice cream cone are the exact opposite. If I lick an ice cream cone, it gets smaller and softer, but if I were to lick your penis it would get bigger and harder.”
His logic was infallible. I had no choice but to accept this depressing truth. My penis is not an ice cream cone. At least there’s still vanilla flavoured lube.

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