Weight loss experts hate him!
What’s the secret to a great bod? If you ask Damian Grey, Arts ‘21, the secret to staying fit, feeling great and looking bangable is eating exclusively $9.99 XL pep from Pizza Pizza. We caught up with Damian in his filthy, unkept Victoria Hall rez room as he had his breakfast of three slices of pepperoni pizza. “Yeah,” a trim 6’0” 180lb young Adonis said, “People are always pitching me diets, the paleo diet, the ‘I only eat carrots’ diet, the ‘I breathe in the air from potato chip bags’ diet. And I’m always like naaaah, I ain’t about this unnatural stuff. People gotta get back to basics.”
But diet isn’t the only part of his aesthetic! Damian Grey keeps his ground floor single real nice and classy with white pizza-stained sheets, a trophy wall consisting of three six packs of PBR, a truck calendar, and a single encrusted sock on his desk. The highlight of Damian’s “bachelor pad” (a converted closet) is a giant full-length poster of himself sticky tacked to his ceiling, where he is portrayed in a wearing a green “College” crewneck, imitating Jim Belushi from Animal House, completely oblivious to the irony. “It’s like a mirror, but not!” he exclaimed! But that isn’t the coolest part of his pad: “Check this out!” Damian said as he jumped on his twin sized bed, “this is for when the ladies come over. Easy access” Duct taped to the side of his mattress is a few Magnum condoms, which Damian insists he fits into.
Damian explains the secret to his diet “The great thing about pepperoni pizza is that it’s got all the food groups. It’s got bread for carbs, tomatoes for fruits, and pepperoni and cheese for more carbs, I think. The trick is that they’re the good carbs, they’re the carbs you want.”
Miraculous. We thought so, and so we caught up with him three months into the future and sure enough he was still there, with his beautiful six pack on full display as he lounged on his somehow even greasier bed, legs askew wearing nothing but previously worn boxers and small but prominent pizza stains. “Yeah, I’m still here,” he bragged, whilst manspreading, “Ol’ Damian hasn’t gained a pound.” Indeed if there was a difference in the room it was that the vanity poster taped to his ceiling seemed a little plumper.
But we doubted this even more so just to prove this point we caught up with Damian three years into the future and true to form the man’s all pizza diet has not caught up with him in the slightest. He looks like the lovechild of Ryan Reynolds, Idris Elba and George Clooney, except somehow hotter. His calves look better than my face. Unsolicited dick pics are sent to him. He has still never eaten a fruit or washed his bedsheets. And while he has upgraded from his rez room to a condemned house he rents for $700 a month, he kept most of the decor including that same dogeared poster taped to the ceiling of his room. But now the poster is morbidly obese, stretching the pizza stain covered sweater, his paunchy face looks tired and haggard as if stretched by an incalculable amount of saturated fat and pepperoni grease.
Our final trip into the future to see Mr. Grey, was at his funeral. He died at age 30, due early onset Alzheimer’s from the trauma of frequently opening lite beer with his head. Despite his tragic end, his beautiful body was entirely preserved by his miracle diet, but beside his casket, the Poster of Damian Grey was staring with wide eyes, pizza dribbled down his quadruple chin, endlessly sweating.