New Dean of Engineering Too Chill; Actually Fourth Years in a Trenchcoat

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When the announcement was made late last year that Dean Woodhouse would not be seeking re-appointment as Dean of Engineering, optimism was low that whoever was replacing her would be able to reverse the troubling trends of last couple years. Dean Woodhouse’s aggressive stance towards ‘gentian-washing’ historic engineering traditions and limiting the freedom of services made many fear that highlights of Frosh Week like the Grease Pole and Highland Games’ days may have been numbered. To reverse this downward spiral, something drastic would have to be done- and fast.

To the surprise of most, the new dean was announced to be Kevin Deluzio, the former chair of the Mechanical Engineering department and all-around good guy. A man so charitable and kind, he pays Carly Robertson for hugs. However, many wonder how such a reasonable and graceful man could be promoted to such a powerful position in the Queen’s administration- until one shocking revelation threatened to derail the entire university establishment.

Ricky Nga, Sci ‘18, and Vincent Spigel, Sci ‘18, met before Frosh Week- both FRECs of Frosh Group 23, ‘Dip Slip Pics’. As the week continued they grew increasingly close, and shared radical views about the Engineering faculty administration. With some hard work, some dedication, and the purchase of a $45 leather trenchcoat from Phase 2, they set out to be the change they wanted to see in the world- they set out to be the next Dean of Eng.

Ever since Deluzio had been appointed dean, a series of increasingly questionable decisions had prompted some to become skeptical of his claims that he was a “totally rad older men- I mean man”. It first started when he held an official Faculty of Engineering fundraising gala in the Brock St. Beer Gardens, but skepticism didn’t really ignite until his inaugural “Slosh the Profs” event resulted in ten adjunct professors getting their stomachs pumped at KGH. While most of the student body had generally few issues with the controversial events, they began to believe that Dean Deluzio may be one of them- or as they would soon discover, two of them.

Before a speech to the faculty Board of Directors, the Dean coated up and prepared to deliver his address on his nasty hangover and weekend sexual escapades, when Vincent accidentally released his grasp on the lower coat buttons and his horrified face became visible out of Deluzio’s lower torso. Despite some initial confusion that the Dean was giving birth to a grown teenager, it soon became clear when Nga stumbled out of Deluzio’s pants onto the stage. Rather than confusion and disappointment, many of the administrative staff in the room felt liberated by the opportunities that working underneath university students could provide. Deadlines, normally strict and unrelenting under competent administration, were now a thing of the past- and now every day is Casual Friday, and Friday is now Nipple Ring Friday.

Since these revelations, there have been reports that students have been kidnapping Queen’s administration and replacing them with friends inside of trenchcoats. Some even say that overburdened professors have been spotted masquerading as students, yearning to once again live a life free of consequence and responsibility- maybe even including this very author 😉

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